2009 Had Such High Hopes . . .

Have you ever had trouble reading the last few chapters of a book because lack of time or exhaustion preventing you from finishing it?.

I sooooo wanted to close the book on vileman by the end of 2009.

Not going to happen.

Now his trial is set for late February 2010.

I wonder how many more victims he violated from the time he got out of jail in July 2008 to present time?

I had such high hopes for 2009 - a divorce the first week of the new year and the house sold in first month of the second quarter. . .

But it seems to be ending with a fizzle . . .

Still no job - I feel so unworthy.

I cut all my hair off - I feel so ugly.

Screeeeeeeech . . .

Best to put on the brakes and not think about things that make me feel like dog doo.

I will find a job in 2010.

My hair will grow out.

Time to Soar

Seeing how we are now in the good tidings and merry season, I shall not try to grumble and moan too loudly about everything that has gone so wrong the past three weeks. I need to keep on keeping on but I have to wonder what the tipping point is?

Is there a DNA component that has a person hitting bottom and rising out of the ashes like the phoenix? Or is there a component that makes a person throw up their hands and look up at the sky declaring defeat?

I hope, hope, hope, I have the phoenix DNA.

At my last job, over 6 1/2 years ago, I worked with a woman who had a black doom cloud hanging over her head. Trouble just seemed to follow her. I have been thinking about her a lot lately, wondering if she ever had any potential and just gave up on striving for things she wanted to achieve by giving in to the ultimate sin of "settling".

Was she once a vibrant, thin, good natured woman? Did life beat her down so much that she put on 60 pounds, took up smoking, settled for a low-wage job where she wore the same stinky sweater with pockets (to hold the cigarettes) everyday? Did she give up on her children and fail to help progress them along? What happened to her?

I hope, hope, hope, I don't become just like her.

***

Think of all my blessings . . .

13 and 6 mean everything to me. Everything I have done has been in the best interest of them. That includes not going back to work right away (this is a very sore subject with a male figure in my family.) As Vickie likes to say "should of, could of, would of". I don't want to regret being home for them during a very difficult time in their life.

I had a flat tire three weeks ago. I was at the country town library where the out of school suspension kids flock to after their class is over (ironic, I know.) As I walked to my car, a young delinquent pointed out that I had a flat. He offered to fix it . . . . for money. I told him thank you and that I had no money on me so I would fix it myself.

One of the other gang members shook his head and told me he would fix it for me, because he said "my mom could be in the same predicament as you and I hope someone helps her." It took the gang one hour to break my jack and change the tire. But I was happy they helped me and offered to write their probation officers and a judge a nice letter.

The 13 year old and I are going to practice changing the tire so that he and I both can learn. But first, I'm going to buy a better jack.

***

Last month the healer sent a huge package to the ADA's office. It included all correspondence from vileman that he has written to me and the kids plus all emails he sends (his bond restrictions are supposed to keep him off the Internet except for job hunting purposes.) After the ADA received the package, she called the healer to report that "if it were true, (duh!?! they had all the evidence) then he was in violation of his bond restrictions".

Nothing ever came of it. Which leaves me to believe that (1) they think it is domestic or (2) they are going to present it during his trial and probably subpoena me to testify. Grrr. Or (3) they know his trial is coming up at the end of December and maybe the info they have will keep him from getting another continuance.

I'm losing my faith in the judicial system.

***

I haven't been able to comment or post because (very embarrassing) I could not remember my password to this account. Ahem. And like the smart cookie that I am, the email address where they send the password info should you forget, required that password that I couldn't remember.

It finally came to me after days and days of trying . . . and I now feel quite merry.

The Sponge Cannot Absorb Anything Else

I am saturated.

And ready to implode!

Time for relaxation techniques to kick in . . . and implemented immediately.

I haven't heard any feedback regarding vileman's liberal use of the internet and other no no's.

***

Must. Think. Of. Something. Positive.

****

I have maintained an 11 pound weight loss for the last few weeks, though I haven't been cracking the whip.

*****

Vileman's trial has been reset to the week after Christmas. He is at the very top of the list and I know that the prosecutor assigned (he has bounced all over the ADA staff) just wrapped up a very high profile murder case.

I might be writing a very long letter to Santa Claus regarding adding someone to his naughty list.

No News . . . Yet (tick tick tick . . .)

Still waiting to hear something about anything!

In the meantime, I'm hunkered down trying to secure some temporary seasonal retail employment while still doing the full-time job hunt.

I so wish I had something of the good news variety to let you know about.

But I got nothing.

I have been staying away from sweets (there's a bit of good news!) and sticking with the fat cracking diet. The few slacks that I bought last fall when I thought I was going to be looking for a job, are about to be too big - (some more good news!)

Switching gears, last week Abbey from TBL was on the radio and mentioned there was a romance going on behind the scenes . . . after watching Tuesday's episode, I think I might have figured out the duo . . . (Trainer and young pretty trainee . . . )

I'm off to read Jen's review of this weeks TBL episode . . . maybe she mentions something about it.

tick tick tick tick tick tick tick . . . . . .

The waiting is the hardest part.

Thursday and Friday, were horrible eating days. The worst of the year and possibly the last few years.

I was running around gathering information and making copies and the stress of it all (plus the dreaded first day of lady cycle) had me incorporating an old habit . . .something I haven't done in several years . . .

I invited an old companion to accompany me. Her name is "Little Debbie" and she supplied the zebra cakes.

After I inhaled the package of two small nonfood items, I realized I hadn't even tasted them. So I pulled out a second package of two and ate them slower. (Bringing my calorie content to around 900 for four individual zebra cakes.

By the way, they were not tasty.

When I got to my destination, I threw the box away for fear I would consume the entire contents, trying desparately to remember why they (the cakes) brought me comfort a few years ago.

The magic wasn't rekindled.

Friday, I failed to eat breakfast and realized it was already time to pick up the kids from school and I hadn't eaten anything all day. I was wired from too much coffee.

Thank goodness I have the snack bag in the car for the kids (which has never bothered me or triggered any binges).

Two individual bags of goldfish crackers later, I was now craving carbs.

Made the kids witches broomstick breadsticks (from pizza dough) when we got home. I ate mine with butter.

***

I know it might not sound so bad or be considered a binge in some peoples' book but it isn't really about the food. It's how I handled the stress. It was handled destructively. And not just one off day but two. And we all know that if it isn't nipped in the bud, two bad days can equal a week and so on . . . until you weigh more than you have ever weighed.


This morning I had a boiled egg and a sliced apple first thing.

My face and fingers feel and look puffy.

I think my best course of dealing with the upcoming issue is to eat healthy, get plenty of water, exercise and wait it out like a human. Not a zombie feasting on anything that moves past me.

Problem Will Be Solved (Keeps fingers crossed . . .)

Thank you all so much for your support and comments regarding you know what.

I believe the problem will be handled by the end of the week and I will keep you informed . . .

until then, I edited my last post, so as not to tip someone off should someone happen to find this blog. I hid the comments for the time being also.

I will write more once I know more.

Thanks again for all your support! I so, so, appreciate it.

My Life in the Left Hand Turn Lane

It always seems like I am turning left, whether taking the kids to school or returning home, or running errands.

Weird.

***
The girl (6) went back to school today after missing most of last week (she went to school on Wednesday but said she felt horrible and when I picked her up after school she had a temperature of 103.8). She has missed a total of eight days already this year and I suspect today, I will get the computer generated letter telling me she has excessive absences and if she misses seven more days she will not be eligible to pass first grade.

Grrr.

I understand that the school district legally has to notify you that your child is frequently absent and passing school might be jeopardized, but . . . since school started, the nation has had a very early flu season with two flu(s) floating around!

Six ran a fever for eight straight days . . . starting on Thursday and ending the next Friday. A child could easily miss 5 to 7 days of school for each case of flu (seasonal and H1N1)! I think over 15 absent days is the cut-off, so two bouts of flu and your out!

Grrr.

And the school does not want you to send your child to school sick.

The first three days six missed happened the third week of school and I think she might have had a mild case of the H1N1 flu - fever, body aches and diarrhea. Turns out that week, she was NOT the only one home ill. The absence rate was way high compared to last year at that time.

I'm not worried about six not passing first grade because of illness/absences. She is smart. ***We interrupt this old lady rant to insert some proud parental bragging rights*** At the beginning of the school year, the teacher tested all the kids on reading and math skills -Six got a perfect score on word recognition, something the teacher in 17 years of teaching had never seen before. And six already reads the wpm required of first graders to pass to second grade. ***End of bragging.***

What I am worried about is the necessity to change the rules this school season due to the already high absences related to the two flu(s). And the flu season has just begun. Parents should be able to keep their kids home to recover and not feel pressure to get them back in school based on the absence rate. (I understand this is very hard on working parents too, because it's tough to ask off work all week or longer to care for an ill child.)

****

The Book of Possibilities Replaced with a Plan

The movie "Last Holiday" with Queen Latifa is one of my favorite "feel good" movies and I just loved the character's "book of possibilities". She made the book scrapbook-like and put in it, things she wanted to do, places she wanted to go and recipes she wanted to try.

There is a scene in the movie where she is looking at her book and crying because she hadn't implemented any of her possibilities, that is, until she thinks she only has a few weeks to live.

Only when she thinks she is dying, does she begin to live out her possibilities.

I don't want that to happen to me.

Debbi has a great Friday quote post today that got me thinking about this possibility/dream /action/plan thing.

For instance, the other morning when I was taking 13 to school, we were listening to the radio and the dj (Kidd Kraddick) was talking about single parents. According to some research he quoted, 1 in 5 single parents never dates again. Then he went on and described that single parent . . . sweat pants (I was wearing blue jean shorts), tee shirt (check!) flip flops (check!), no make-up (I prefer fresh faced but . . . check!) and so on and so on . . .

13 just looked at me like I was from outer space because, I was saying "check!" with each description.

Now the dating thing, I'm currently not interested in as we all know why (thank you vileman for making me currently not trust males) but I think right now, it's okay that I shy away from that part until I'm ready.

But I don't want to look like I have given up on myself either.

Right now my biggest "dream" is to find a good job. This job will be the most important job of my working career because it has to be something that I am satisfied with, that pays the bills and allows the kids and I to move into chapter two of this journey.

I haven't really written down a plan to find this great job. Oh, I've dreamed about the possibilities of finding great job and cashing my paycheck. I have been job hunting on the internet, large company websites, and the newspaper but I haven't sat down and decided what it is that I want to do, or at least narrowed it down. Instead, I have been applying for things I think I could do, even if it isn't something that might interest me.

I need a well thought out plan.

Exercising is another dream/possibility without a plan.

Sometimes, I daydream about doing yoga every morning and then walking after the kids get home from school or riding the exercise bike in the shop should it be raining. I need an exercise schedule stat! But more importantly, I need to implement the exercise schedule . . . STAT!

So, over the next few days, I will be making doable plans.

Time for a will

This morning I'm running a temperature, a very low grade one. I usually run below 98.6 (around 97 degrees due to thyroid disease) so anything close to 100 is a temperature for me . . . a million little violins are playing . . .


Six went back to school this morning after being home since Friday with an "upper respiratory infection" . . .because doctor is tired of the flu diagnosis paperwork and testing for all patients with flu like symptoms . . .


While waiting for 6's dance class to end last week, another mom offered me an Avon book and said she was the Avon lady. I told her I used to use the Anew products. She studied my face and handed me some Anew product samples (the Anew line has products specified for each age decade 30's, 40's, and 50's . . . apparently your skin doesn't require anything new when you are in your 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's, or 100's ) . . . that's right, after studying my skin, she handed me samples for . . . . . .

THE 50's AGE GROUP . . . . the 50's and older age group!

. . . Don't like Avon lady . . . I'll buy Olay.


Tomorrow 12 turns 13 . . . he will now be called a teenager for the next five years . . . the adolescent-hell years . . . I can already feel my wrinkles deepening . . .


Today, I will be working on my last will and testament . . . because I have a temperature and I look old.

Take out the fat - put the fat back in . . .

After re-thinking my resume, I decided it wasn't doing me any justice and retooled it. My original version was pared down because years ago, I had heard your resume should only be one page long. So, last year when I wrote my resume, I took out a lot of the "fat" and instead of highlighting my accomplishments, I focused on my job duties.

So, after a lot of research, rewriting, utilizing the right "buzz" words, and getting rid of a job on my resume (it aged me and I read you should only have the past 15 years of work on the resume -also, I have no desire to be a financial paraplanner and would not be looking for jobs in that area) I'm now ready to retry the job search with the new and improved resume.

Wish me luck!

***

I spent a lot of time re-tooling the resume last week but in between breaks, I cleaned out my closet and the four foot lockers full of clothes that no matter how many times I weed out - still seem to never make much of a dent (sort of like my credit card balances).

There is a show called "Closet Cases" with Lloyd Boston that I love to watch on Saturday afternoon (Fine Living Network). His advice is to make three piles: Stop, Go and Yield . . . I did that and managed to get two large trash bags full of clothing for donation to Goodwill. My goal would be to have one foot locker for out-of-season clothing storage.

***

Six got sick Thursday night. She said her head hurt. She was also running a fever and I was afraid she was going to have the flu - she had a field trip scheduled for Friday at the pumpkin patch and she couldn't go because Friday morning she still had a fever. Boo Hoo! I felt so bad for her (second thing she didn't get to do) but I promised when she felt better I would take her to the pumpkin patch.

This morning she has had no fever, just a runny nose and a wet cough. Hopefully it is just a cold.

***
The rain finally stopped yesterday and the sun is actually shining today - the temperatures are in the low 70's - a beautiful fall day just waiting for me to enjoy a nice walk.

Have a great weekend.

Another Rambling Post

It has been raining and raining and raining for the last few days. Prior to this past week's rain, it rained for almost 10 days straight a couple of weeks ago . . . the ground is soaked already! Not complaining, because this summer we were in a drought - no rain for 40 plus days and when it did rain it was a short sprinkle - not a soaker.

I just don't like gloomy days.

****

Vickie, the high school drill team puts on a camp every year for the younger girls to have the opportunity to dance with the drill team during half-time at one of the football games. I signed 6 up and she went to the two workshops last week but unfortunately, the weather went from 90 degrees on Thursday afternoon to 50 degrees and rainy by Friday afternoon. When I picked 6 up from school she had a runny nose, so I decided not to let her perform that night. I know that the weather doesn't make one sick, but I didn't want to chance her getting worse, especially with the flu bug going around this area. She would have been miserable sitting on the cold bleachers waiting for half-time. And this kid's teeth start to chatter at 72 degrees.

I did get to see her perform the routine several times on the football field on Tuesday night during their practice. Still, I sort of feel guilty about keeping her home that night.

They do it again during basketball season so she will have that opportunity, plus it's indoors!

***

Since the weather turned chilly with temps staying in the 50's for a few days, it was time to buy jeans for the kids. I warned 12 ahead of time that we were going shopping, told him the stores we were going to go to and in what order, and that I didn't want to hear any complaints or how much longer? or how many more stores do we have to go to? sassy talk from him.

He was very good. 6 is always good because she loves to shop.

Unfortunately, 12 is at that awkward slim stage where nothing fits in the waist without being high-waters. We finally settled on 28 x 30's at Old Navy. He probably needs a 27 inch waist. We also picked up solid colored long sleeve tee shirts for layering under his short tee's. Old Navy has the softest tee shirts.

Last stop was at Aeropostale for hoodies and more tee's. (By the way, the boys at this small country junior high school dress way, way nicer than the girls. I have seen only a handful of girls that looks stylish.)

Anyway, the kids each got some warm clothes and I feel blessed that I had the money to buy them. I know a lot of families are financially strapped and having a hard time making ends meet and I hope this recession eases up soon.

****

Well, with the dampness came a very slow internet connection - so off to do some chores.

Have a great week!

Favorites

Time for a less paranoid post, so I'll put away my wrinkled trench coat, but only temporarily.

A couple of weeks ago, Hanlie passed the baton on a meme - 10 secret things about yourself. I have already spilled all secrets/skeletons, etc. so I thought I would switch it up and do my current 10 favorite things:


Favorite Breakfast:
This is a recipe from the Crack/Fat Diet but I do not add any artificial sweeteners as suggested in the book:
Mix 3/4 cup of egg beaters with one individual package of plain oatmeal. Add one scoop of protein powder and more egg beaters if needed. Pour into a small omelet pan, cover and cook on low heat, when omelet set, flip over for a few minutes. Serve with low-sugar syrup or low-sugar jam/jelly.

Favorite Lunch:
Buffalo Chicken - Wingless Wrap
On a Flat-Out Wrap, spread one tablespoon of low-fat blue cheese dressing mixed with a little Frank's hot wing sauce. Layer chicken on top of the dressing. Top with shredded broccoli slaw. Roll wrap and slice in half. Serve with sliced honeycrisp apple.
This wrap is full of fiber, veggies and protein.

Favorite Relaxation Technique:
I'm a bundle of nerves these days and you will find me doing this several times throughout the day:
Get on the floor and lie on your back. Spread your arms and legs out, making an "X". Close your eyes and breathe in through your mouth and slowly exhale through your nose.

Favorite TV Guilty Pleasure:
The Rachel Zoe Project
Rachel needs to use the above relaxation technique. I swear, I can almost smell her Starbucks venti coffee breath through her permanently pinched little mouth. She also has two drama queens as style assistants: Taylor, a white haired, no eyes, grumpy gal and a male assistant stylist (I can't remember his name) who cries almost every episode.

Favorite New Fall TV Show:
Glee
Though it has a lot of adult humor, I only cringe a little when watching this fun show with 12 (who will be 13 in two weeks). Makes me want to sing and dance. And Jane Lynch's PE/Cheerleader coach trying to sabotage the Glee club because they took a small portion of her budget (she wanted a fog machine) is the funniest character in this show.

Favorite Magazine:
All You
I have only seen this magazine at Walmart. The cost is $2.49 but it has $$$'s of coupons in it (the only reason I buy it). Some coupons are for free products and there are lots of make-up coupons.

Favorite Cheap Entertainment:
Redbox rental videos!

Favorite Time Spent with 12 & 6 That Involves Spending Money:
Seeing a movie together that we all enjoy. "Up" was a wonderful movie. "G-Force" . . .not so much.

Favorite Time Spent with 12 & 6 That Involves Discussing Money:
Pig piling on the bed and talking about what we would buy if we were rich. 6 really likes this game. She loves to describe how she would decorate her room . . . horses, horses and more horses painted on the walls.

Favorite Parent Time (currently):
Watching 12 play football and making a great tackle. Watching 6 dance with the high school drill team.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Cracking the fat hasn't been as fat cracking as I thought it would be BUT, I haven't been exercising, either. I'm starting the 7 week cycle back over this week (as you are supposed to if you need to lose additional weight) but not going to redo the carb-deplete week - just starting back at week 2.

The other day I noticed in the garage, that my dad had his old exercise bike still around. I can promise you, my dad hasn't exercised on it since 1990. When 12 was a baby, I borrowed it for a couple of years and actually had some success with weight loss when I alternated between the bike and aerobics (this was before I bought a treadmill). The bike looked like it was still in pretty good shape. . . probably because it had about the same mileage that Grandma put on her car, which she only drove to church on Sunday morning. ***Insert rant***My parents do not throw anything away. They are not hoarders like extreme hoarders but they sure hold on to things they don't use or haven't used in years. For instance, they moved here from Tulsa in 2005. You would think that the rusty, 37 year old tandem bike that my older sister and I rode for fun when we were in 7th and 3rd grade would have been given to the junk yard instead of paying to have a moving company haul it here, where it sits in my dad's workshop . . . along with the 1957 Chevy he has had for years and "is gonna fix up". ***End of rant***

Sorry, it's amazing that I have no sentimental emotions toward objects and pretty much left behind years of stuff from the old life. It all can be replaced.

Anyway, the exercise bike has been pulled out, cleaned-up and put away in the shop for easy access. Now that the weather is a wee bit crisp (gosh I love, love, love! autumn) I got no more excuses . . . time to get out and walk and use the exercise bike.

The kids and I watch TBL on Saturday nights on Bravo and 6 asked me if I wanted her to be my personal trainer. She showed me a bunch of exercises she does in PE class. How sweet is that?

****

I spoke with Lori the other day and she said something that Det. Colombo hadn't thought of . . .she says it sounds like vileman is on the run . . . yikes!

If he is on the run, he won't be bothering us.

Still won't be letting my guard down.

Channeling Det. Colombo in a Minivan

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

- Sun tzu

Yesterday, I sat around and spent a little time thinking of scenarios of why vileman lost his job. I used the old strategy "if that happened then this would happen" and came up with an answer that I'm willing to accept.

After vileman got that job last year, my dad looked up their website and printed out the job application. We were shocked anyone would hire him with an indictment hanging over his head. But, the application never asked have you ever been indicted? Instead it asked "have you ever been convicted of a felony". Since vileman hasn't been convicted yet, he didn't lie on his application. So, I'm thinking that maybe the company didn't want a possible lawsuit against them for firing an "alleged" s*x off*nd*r. (Sorry for the weird spellings . . . don't want any google drop ins to this sight.)

Also, if someone tipped off his boss about the indictment and that is why he was terminated, then vileman would have blamed me, or someone in my family. He would have been angry enough to call my parents residence or emailed his wrath. (My family would have never told his company about him because my children benefited from that job: great health care insurance and child support.)

Vileman didn't tell his family. If he was terminated because of his indictment, he would have been indignant, outraged and defensive and would want to blame someone and let someone(s) hear him, so I pretty sure he would have told his family.

Maybe he quit to work somewhere else? Nope - he would have contacted his family if he had quit that job to take a better job.

He could have done something illegal and got arrested. But, I think his arrest would have gotten back to the first arresting detective and he would have notified me.

Though vileman's previous company didn't monitor his email/web searches or history, I would think he might be a little more discreet and not use his business computer for illicit downloads. I know his bond restrictions dictate that he has to report to a community supervisor. He has the right to check his work computer (vileman wasn't allowed to have a personal computer) and load monitoring software on it if he thought necessary. Since vileman has not sought any treatment, maybe the urges made him careless. This is my first best guess at what might have happened.

Through the process of elimination, my second guess is going to be he broke a company rule. (I don't know if I ever mentioned that on the day vileman got arrested, he borrowed a company vehicle to drive to the scene of the crime where he was arrested. When the detectives asked me if he always drove the blue Ford? I looked shocked and told the detectives that wasn't his car. They all three shook there heads and decided it was a company car. I laughed when they said that and made a comment something along the lines of "what a dumb ass" and we all shared a good belly laugh).

Maybe he got caught taking kickbacks as he was in purchasing.

Whatever it was, he was too embarrassed to let anyone in his family know he had been terminated.

***

With no fancy title and power, comes the loss of those perks to keep you busy and not thinking about doing time. And when you travel to the New Orleans office as often as he did, the lifestyle of going to Hornets and Saints games plus home town's teams, well you end up with a lot of free time on your hands.

Vileman would probably (and I know I'm right about his) cry on whomever's shoulder about missing his kids but he kept busy with things that vile would find fun. We have never seen any sign that he has spied on us or followed us since moving here.

But that was before he lost his job.

He stayed at the same hotel chain when he traveled to the other office and I know he has many many hotel points for free nights. Country town has that hotel, so yesterday before picking the kids up from school, I drove by and checked the parking lot for his car. I'm going to do it everyday until I know he has been put away or hear something about where he is.

I have a list and phone numbers of his former friends from Oklahoma. Since a lot of them own their own small businesses, I suspect he will be notifying them for job leads.

His silence is deafening!

And very scary.

Not paralyzing scary.

****

Ironically or good timing, last Friday, 6 saw the healer to discuss not going with vileman should he show up at her school or see him(we did not know about his job loss at this time). The healer worked with her for almost 1 1/2 hours and I know she gets it.

I don't worry as much for 12, because he knows and promises me he will seek adult help if vileman should ever approach him.

When the walls start to close in . . .

Yesterday morning, after dropping the kids off at school, I had a nagging feeling something wasn't right with two recent emails I had received, one from vileman on Wednesday afternoon and another email from his sister, sent on that same evening. Because his sister sent her email to me at my old life's email address, (which I only check periodically), I didn't get her email until late Sunday night.

As you know, I am going on six months of not communicating with vileman. He sends an email and a certified letter/package every two weeks.

Which I just make copies, file away and ignore.

There is usually a threatening and demanding undertone to his words as in "I will not hesitate to take you to court" or "I demand that you reply to this email and let me know you received . . .." and my favorite bluff "you need to read the divorce decree as you are not complying by it".

His birthday was last Tuesday and I was expecting the email telling me how mean I am for not allowing the kids to send him a card or calling him. (The divorce decree says no contact with the children.)

Instead, his email said he wanted me to know that he sent two extra months of child support to the childsupport distribution center and that I should be on the lookout for it.

No threats, no demands, no calling me "mean".

His sister's email basically said "sorry to bother you but I'm worried sick about vileman because we haven't been able to reach him. He dosen't answer his cell phone or his emails."

Don't worry, he isn't dead . . . not that you would be worried . . .

He lost his job.

And I suspected it on Monday morning. I told my dad my suspicions about him losing his job. Pop disagreed with me and said he wasn't incompetent. So I pointed out the red flags:

#1 - His family was not able to get hold of him on his cell nor was he answering his emails. Vile had a company owned blackberry. If he had been terminated, he would have had to hand it in along with the company's laptop.

#2 - Why would he give extra child support?

Got the answer several hours later, when the mail came. The company he was employed with notified me by letter, that vile was no longer an employee. (They had to notify me because his wages were garnished to pay child support.)

I got a little pleasure out of telling my dad that my gut instinct was RIGHT.

He lost his job on the 18th. So I'm now wondering "why?"

Did the rumor mill finally catch up with him about his indictment? (Vickie, he was indicted last August and has been awaiting trial since then.)

Or did he revert to old habits and the company caught him misusing company property?

Why hasn't he sent a letter himself, telling me he was no longer employed and that the children will be losing their health /dental benefits?

Don't worry, I have kept a high deductible health insurance plan on the kids and myself since June 27th, 2008, so we are covered. Also, I have enough savings (unless something horrible happens) to get us by for almost six months.

Sorry to go on with boring details.

How are the walls closing in on him . . . well, now he doesn't have that high income to continue to pay the criminal lawyer for anything above and beyond what the original fees would cover. I can pretty much guess the days of "continued by agreement" will come to an end.

I also heard through a friend last year, that vileman found that position (director of a department) through someone at his church who recommended him. ***Insert back story****When vile got caught cheating on me in 2001 and I divorced him, he immediately ran to the church and put on a big display of going to Sunday school and joining men's groups. He would do testimonies at other churches about how he strayed and would never do that do his family again, blah blah blah***End of back story***

In the three years we lived in old life's town before I fled with the kids, we never set food in a church.

Guess what vile did after he got out of jail?

That's right. He ran to Sunday school.

What I'm trying to write (very poorly at that) is I bet his church circle has found out . . . and I know I wouldn't want to sit by a ped-o-vile.

And if his church circle has found out, then the roommate that he lives with (another divorced man that he met at church) will find out . . . and so on and so on. Maybe I should have titled this the domino effect.

Basically, his support system will begin to get smaller and smaller.

And that will drive him nuts . . . which will not be good for me or the children.

So we are now on high alert - the kids can't play outside unless someone is with them (me, my mother or father). Instead of leaving the girl at dance class, I will now need to stay at the studio.

I wouldn't turn my back on a snake and he is a slimy, venomous snake.

By the way, that is only the second time someone from his family has tried to contact me since vile's arrest. Remember his mother called on Feb. 15th for the first time asking to speak to "her grandchildren"? His sister never even asked how the kids were doing, it was all about her being worried about her brother.

I find it funny that his family of six siblings and a mom and dad, let vile sit in a jail for 8 days and never bailed him out. I would have been more worried sick about him being in jail as a ped-o-vile and at the mercy of the other inmates, but . . . that family is weird.

Okay, I have now written this shit out and need to go back to concentrating on job hunting. I'm hoping that getting it out here will free it from my mind, at least temporarily.

Perusing the Classifieds

I am . . . for really really really real, looking for employment.

Gasp!

Noticed I said employment and not career.

It's going to be tough. (I know we are supposed to be coming out of the recession but funny how unemployment is way up.)

For fits and giggles, I applied on line for a warehouse packer position at a large store's distribution center. The location was very close to home and they were looking for weekend workers to work three 12 hour days. That would have freed me up for four days of still being a stay-at-home mom and the pay was a lot better than minimum wage. The ad in the paper said would need to be able to lift 30 pounds.

I could do that!

The on-line application asked a lot of questions about different warehouse equipment and how much experience you had on them. Since the majority of my 20 years work experience has been white collar professional . . . well, needless to say, I have no experience running a fork lift (seated or standing) or packing machine.

I got my "dear john" email three days later.

That job would not have paid all the bills (should the child-support stop) but it had nice benefits.
I guess they were not looking for a middle aged, female with a bachelors of science degree in sociology.

Luckily, I have lots of experience in different things, so I'm not too limited. Just a wee bit nervous about the six year gap of no work, while staying at home.

I don't want them to think I was put away in the "big house" during that time.

****

Speaking of the "big house", vileman's trial has been continued by agreement (once again!) and he is now on the October docket.

I'm thinking his time is running out and the trial will probably happen before the end of the year.

The Gray Area

Today I programed the DVR to record the Dr. Oz show. (We are a day behind because of the tennis match last Tuesday).

It's supposed to be about the effects of stress on a woman's body.

I'm almost afraid to watch.

Waiting for someone to go to trial is very stressful.

Not knowing when vileman will go to trial or what the outcome will be is so stressful.

Lately, my mind has been in overdrive thanks to way too many Law and Order episodes. (L&O: Criminal Intent is my favorite.)

In my biased mind, I think how the trial will play out. I imagine scenarios and think of comebacks for the prosecuting attorney.

For instance, vileman pled the 5th to every horrific question my attorney asked him at our temporary order hearing. So, I think "hmm, I wonder if they can use the transcripts from that hearing in his criminal trial?" If so, how would the ADA know about it?

I had a few things that I thought vileman's community service supervisor should know about, but I'll spare you the details.

So, I called the detective who arrested vileman and told him my thoughts. He was patient with me and understood my position, but it seems I would just look like a revengeful ex-wife. Not a mother trying to protect her children from vileman.

Grrr.

Last week, 6 was home sick with a viral bug and while she was watching cartoons, I picked up one of my dad's cow magazines. It's focus was on stressed calves (moo moo calves) and how the stress when they are taken from their momma's for weaning prior to being sold, affects them negatively.

Apparently, these stressed out calves get sick because of the high cortisol levels that the stress produces.

It made me think about my situation and the disservice I am doing to my body.

Anyways, I will be very interested in watching the Dr. Oz show when I get back from picking the kids up from school.

*********

I'm still up 1.8 pounds - thanks to the Lady cycle week - I sort of deviated from the plan by having three carb-up days and four base-line days that week. My carb-up days were very tame, (as in high fiber cereal for dinner) so no need to beat myself up. The lesson learned is: when I feel lady cycle coming on, I need to immediately switch to carb down day and stay there until the week passes to keep the carb cravings at bay.

This week I started on the accelerated fat cycle.

********

Edited on 9/24/09: I'm finally back down this morning (had been up late last week to 2.8 pounds but by Sunday had lost 1 pound and had a 1.8 gain of water retention left) . . . weight loss to date 10.2 pounds - wished it was faster but I don't feel deprived and that is probably going to help with continuing on.

Week 5 Oh the Joys of Peri-menopause

I'm up 1.8 pounds and I know it is water retention from my carb-up day on Saturday. No binge, but I did share a bag of microwave popcorn with 6 while watching "Hannah Montana the movie".

I sprinkled my bowl with a little dry ranch seasoning and some Parmesan cheese. A wee bit too salty.

Sunday morning, my lady cycle showed up . . . again. She has become very unpredictable these days, showing up sometimes every couple of weeks or not showing up for three months. I just never know.

Hence the salt craving and the reason the crazy lady was practically licking the empty popcorn bowl.

And the grumpies are here too.

I'm looking forward to the end of the week already.

Week 4 of Cracking the Fat

The fourth week ended with a 2 pound loss giving me a total of 10 pounds lost for 4 weeks.

This makes me happy.

I always have my weight loss at the end of the week, so I spend the first part of the week frustrated. But now I know and I'll try not to be too disappointed on Tuesday's and Wednesday's weigh-ins.

My clothes are getting a little looser and that too, makes me happy.

I am NOT the type of person who can lose 10 pounds and drop a whole clothing size. This does not make me happy.

Unfortunately, I am at the magic number that has been a huge plateau problem for me in the past. Over the years, when I have been at this weight, it was fairly easy to maintain for months and months until I would start snacking away - then I would hit the other plateau . . . the 10 pounds heavier one. Knowing this does not make me happy.

But, I have managed very nicely for four weeks and am willing to keep on, so maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to crack this number that my body seems to love and keep on losing.

That will make me very, very happy.

Why I love my flipflops!

Because they don't cause blisters.

Enough said.

***

The boy's karate instructor was forced to close shop, due to the economy, starting a new career and wanting to spend more time with his family. It's frustrating to start going to a new karate group, because you almost have to start over (because of the different kind of disciplines) and he had already worked up to a blue belt. The instructor said he was meeting twice a month with the upper belts to help them complete their black belts. He said 12 year old showed a lot of promise and invited him to join the group. *If you remember, I was very leery of this guy last year. But as the year went by, I became more comfortable with him and the other instructor. I will probably always be hyper-vigilant with adult males that work with my children. Better safe than sorry.

Anyway, if 12's schedule will allow it, he will be able to continue working toward his black belt with the same instructor.

***

Six is very embarrassed about having to still ride in a car seat. She barely weighs 42 pounds, is petite and still fits comfortably in the 5-point harness car seat.

Yesterday when I picked her up (I have to wait in an incredibly looooong car line (the first day, I had flashbacks of Hurricane Rita traffic) that is still being policed by five patrol cars (at least it's safe!) she got in the car and scooted over to the over side where there isn't a car seat and proclaimed "I think I'll sit here." When I insisted she get in her car seat, she fussed that she is in FIRST GRADE AND STILL SITTING IN A CAR SEAT! And so and so, doesn't have to sit in one!.

Too bad, because if she were to get a cold or pick up a virus tomorrow, she would weigh under 40 pounds.

It's not easy being six.

***

I'm still plugging along on the Crack the Fat Loss diet. But the weight loss is very s-l-o-w. Grrr.

Snap Out of It!

So week three (cycle 2 for me), I ended up with no weight loss. In fact, by Wednesday morning, after my first two carb-down days, I was up 2 pounds.

This irritates me, because I have followed the plan with no slip-ups. Thankfully, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, all showed weight-losses, bringing me back to last weeks weight loss total of 8 pounds.

This past weeks results made me grumpy. I mumbled under my breath about quiting and returning to counting calories and eating WHATEVER I WANTED as long as I didn't exceed 1400 calories. I mumbled some more that I used to lose at least 2 pounds a week doing it that way.

Then, I decided that losing 8 pounds in three weeks wasn't too shabby and remembered that I haven't counted calories in a very, very long time. Also, this diet has seriously nipped my carbohydrate and sweet tooth cravings. A very good thing.

Saturday evening, I started walking again. I'm hoping that the cardio will shake things up a little bit this week and by next Monday, I will see a weight loss for the week.

Planning the Carb Up Day

So, how crazy am I, that I'm already planning my menu for tomorrow? The Crack the Fat menu for the carb up day gives examples for the last two meals: sub sandwich and two slices of pizza.

That is not want I want. Got no cravings for a deli-meat sandwich since I already eat turkey roll-ups frequently during the week.

I want a peanut butter sandwich made on Ezekiel bread.

And my second carb-up meal will be a serving of low-sugar, high fiber cereal.

Mmmm.

Oatmeal Never Tasted So Good

Today is my first carb-down day on the Crack the Fat Loss Code and I had power oatmeal for breakfast. I did continue with cycle 1 all last week (the carb deplete cycle) because I wanted to get the glycogen (the chocolate malt balls fiasco) out of my system. And according to the author of the book, it takes 72 hours to get rid of the glycogen. Last Monday night would have been the 72 hour cut-off, but I chose to continue on.

And I'm glad I did.

I started my lady cycle on Monday night and immediately felt bloated. I could literally feel the water retention filling up my body and I don't salt anything. NORMALLY, the day before, I CRAVE chocolate, which may have been why I had no resistance to 6's chocolate candy. On the positive side, I had no food cravings after that. No sweet tooth!

On the negative side, I had zero energy. Zilch.

By Sunday morning, I was down 1.8 pounds for a total loss for two weeks of 8 pounds.

Beware a tangent:

I have a lot of problems with the book. First, the editing is terrible and I have to wonder if it was even proof read. Another problem (major) her recipes should have been fact-checked/kitchen tested because several of the nutritional values are grossly inaccurate.

***

The kids are at school and let me tell you, it was a lot easier this year dropping them off. Last year, I think we all resented having to be here instead of where we thought our future was going to be. Last year, the boy had to enter a school where he did not know anyone. This year, he is at a different school (moved up to junior high) but he is no longer the new kid. When I was walking the girl to her classroom (she too, is at a new school - this school district has only two grades at each campus except the high school. So last year she was at the Pre K/Kindergarten campus and this year she is at the 1st/2nd grade campus) anyway, one of her little friends ran over and gave her a big hug.

Last year, I cried the whole way home because the boy looked so self-conscious walking into the school. This year, I didn't watch him. I turned the other way. When I finally took a peek in my rear-view mirror, he was talking with a group of kids. Phew.

No tears necessary.

Back to School Ready

Backpacks, school supplies, new tennis shoes and clothes - all purchased. The 7th grader has attended his orientation, received his class schedule and locker number. His hair has been cut for the athletics program (the shortest it has been in the last couple of years and wow! The boy has beautiful eyes.)

The 1st grader met her teacher yesterday and is ready, ready, ready!

The only person not ready is me!

Waaaaaaaa!

I know this was the last summer we would have together with me as a stay at home mom and I'm wishing it was the start of summer vacation instead.

***

The garden will be ready for planting peas and beans this weekend. Last month I looked at the county ag/extension for the planting dates and could be planting up till October (turnips).

The first of September, spinach and cabbage will go in, then two weeks later the lettuces, radishes and parsnips.

The girl and I planted earlier this week, a bunch of herbs in individual pots (sweet basil, chives, cilantro, Italian parsley, oregano, rosemary, spearmint and tarragon).

***

I'll update the Crack the Fat diet on Sunday.

Have a great weekend.

Week 1 Review

I started the "Crack the Fat Loss Code" diet last Sunday and other than the ham snafu, I had one small (but major) derailment.

After weighing in this morning, my weight loss for Week 1 was 6.2 pounds.

My small derailment happened Friday afternoon at the movies. I ate about 20 pieces of 6 year olds chocolate malt balls. I really don't like those things and was actually just sucking on them but once I started, I had that fat-lady can't quit thing going on (it was a very big box). I was counting them, loathing myself but thankfully, managed to finally stop.

A serving is 18 pieces with 30 plus carbs/serving.

Yikes!

On Saturday morning, the scale showed a one pound gain.

Very illuminating how "unnecessary" carbs/sugar may affect your weight, no matter how small it may seem.

Other than that, I felt it was easy to stay on plan for the whole week.

The Atkins diet has you do a two week induction period of limiting carbs to less than 20. Also, the South Beach diet's Phase I limits carbs for the first two weeks . . . so, I have decided to repeat this first cycle again this week.

I don't expect to lose another 6 pounds next week, because I realize this weight loss is water weight. I'm just giving myself a bigger loss (hopefully) before the macro cycle begins.


P.S. - I have no desire for chocolate of any form, especially dark chocolate as of yesterday. I spread four wheelbarrows of horse dookies into a plot that I plan to use for a fall vegetable garden.

It was Ham! Eeek!

Instead of driving the 35 minutes to the small/mid city grocery store, which seems like a big city grocery store with INVENTORY, I chose to go to the closer small country town (where the kids go to school) grocery store.

Both grocery stores have the same name, just small country town store doesn't carry my favorite deli meat brand "Boarshead". Nor do they stock Greek yogurt which the small/mid city store does.

Anyway, should you still be reading . . .

I asked the girl at the deli if they had low-sodium turkey breast (I know the other store does - "Boarshead" yum.) She said "no", but they had a "natural" turkey breast. So I asked her to slice up about a pound and requested that she please separate with paper every 3 ounces (the other store would not have rolled their eyes for this request . . . I know, because I have watched how customer service driven they are at that store.)

By the way, the original store is very nice - with a coffee bar and free WIFI and a large speciality deli. When I go into small/mid city for counseling, I always stop by there and pick up the hard to find items.

I ran errands two days ago in the afternoon, prior to leaving the house, I tried to put a ring on my finger but my fingers were swollen. What? I hadn't had any bloat and was losing weight!

Last night I finally realized why my "natural turkey" didn't look like turkey but was instead "smoked ham". It even said "smoked ham" on the label.

At the orthodontist on Wednesday morning, I heard one of the ladies say they were closing two of those satellite grocery stores. She mentioned small country town as one of the stores expected to shut down.

I think that would be tragic and I hope the company doesn't shut it down because that would leave only Super Wallys for the townfolk to shop at.

Small country town store just needs to improve on inventory because the town is expected to grow and has already seen a growth of 50% in the last 10 years.

Small country town is growing, thanks to their school district. Three of the four schools (the high school, the middle school and the 3rd/4th grade campus) all received exemplary ratings (the highest ratings awarded Texas schools). The junior high earned recognized - (the second highest rating). Also, the high school (a little less than 1,000 students) had zero dropouts for the school year 2008/2009.

That is incredible and I have vowed to do whatever it takes to keep the kids in this school district.

***

Wow - what a tangent!

Anyway, I'm taking the kids to small/mid city today to try, once again, to get the 12 year old new tennis shoes (he was a little pain in the booty on Wednesday - the first attempt) and to go to the movies. Since we will be by the original good store, I plan to stop in for the "low-sodium turkey breast" deli meat. I'll just have to bring a cooler to store it in.

I'll be back to post on Sunday about the first week of Cycle 1 in the Crack the Fat Loss Code diet. Until then, hope you all have a great weekend.

Fear Snacking Factor

You remember in January, the divorce was finalized and I was doing too much giddy eating? Well, eventually that giddiness snacking was replaced by fear snacking.

Fear snacking?

Yep.

I kept snacking when full and just couldn't place what was wrong, and I knew something had to be bothering me or why would I be over-eating?

It was fear of what the future held for the kids and I. Fear that vileman will be acquitted. Fear that he will then show-up demanding to see the kids. Fear that his guilty verdict will make this city's paper (they always print vile peoples sentences from around the state in this mid-small newspaper). Fear that I might have to testify at his trial - something I do not want to do because I had nothing to do with his decisions or that lifestyle that he lived behind my back. DO NOT want to be dragged into his ugliness. Fear that when he serves his sentence, he will show up wherever my doorstep will be. Fear I will always be looking over my shoulder for him.

Vileman keeps getting continued by agreements - his trial has now been pushed back to late September. Very aggravating to me because I'm ready to exit this transitional phase.

Quieting the fears without food:

Acquittal is probably highly unlikely.

Should an acquittal happen, he will not be able to just show up - the kids have the backing of counselors who know and will testify that it would not be in the best interest of the children to visit with him.

I will not have to testify because he did all that ugliness when he should have been at work. If it was in the off-hours, it was because he called home and said he had to work late or left his keys at the office or my favorite excuse "I forgot I drove to work and rode the bus home - so I just stayed on the bus and went back downtown."

If I do have to testify, I will be confident and not allow attorneys to frustrate me. I will take my time and think out each question prior to a "yes" or "no" answer.

I will not let "what is going to happen when vileman gets out of jail" paralyze me. The kids and I need to live our lives for today.

Phew.

To counter-act the 10 pounds gained from "snacking", I got on the Crack the Fat-Loss Code diet. Started on Sunday and this morning my weight-loss was at 5 pounds. Woo Hoo!

08/08/09

Thank goodness Vickie is always there to give me a little nudge to post something . . . because I'm very lazy. I get on the internet (dial - up - GROAN) and by the time I have read blogs, I'm too impatient to post or blog myself.

The boys were out of the tournament on the third day. When we were headed back to my sister's house, 12 year old had me pull over . . . he was sick to his stomach . . . to the point where I had to bring him to the ER that night because he said the pain in his stomach was unbearable. I immediately thought "appendicitis" - but he just had a bug and was very dehydrated. The ER room was very quiet when we got there and thankfully he was seen immediately. We didn't leave until the next morning because they wanted to observe him overnight. All the nurses thought he was so cute and kept checking on him.

After I slept most of the afternoon, the kids and I went back home.

Two days later, I had the horrible stomach pains.

12 year old lost 6 pounds.

I gained 2.

State Bound

Tomorrow we head west for the State playoffs with a 70% chance of rain waiting to greet us. The tournament is a little over 100 miles from home and 48 or so miles from my younger sister's house . . . so . . . we will be staying with her for the week instead of a hotel.

The only thing the boy will miss out on is swimming with his team-mates on Tuesday morning - the only day that their coach will allow them to swim.

His cousin is his age and playing with him during the day before his game will be more fun than sitting around a small hotel room.

My sister has a pool, so as long as 12 year old doesn't swim too long, he should be okay for . . . sitting on the bench during the game! (Ha!) But seriously, I have tried to encourage 12 to embrace the bench and mentally be prepared in case he is called into the game. He isn't alone. After his team won the league, they had to draft three other players from the 3rd place team. The coach warned us that the boys that will be drafted will be starters. Their team went from 11 players to 14 so 5 boys are always on the bench.

Well - lots of lightening happening - so will sign off until next week!

Busy, Busy, Busy Bees

Would you believe my son is still playing baseball? I know. I know!

His regular season ended at the end of June. The team came in first, so they went to the district playoffs last week.

They won. Ugh.

Now it's off to the state playoffs next week.

Though he did play a bunch in the regular season, he was a bench warmer during the playoffs and I know the same will be true at state. Grrr.

My parents were gone for two weeks, taking care of my 94 year old grandfather (don't worry he is doing fine - he fell after being dizzy).

Did I mention we were in a drought? Did I also mention, that my mother has landscaped acres of flowers, bushes, trees, fruit trees, roses and various other plants that have to be watered? Did I mention we had no rain for two weeks and temperatures as high as 104 degrees? I knew my mother would be MAD if I let all her plants die . . . so every morning I got up, walked the dog, brought in the newspaper and set up the hoses and sprinklers.

Who knew hoses were heavy?

Yards and yards and yards of hoses.

I also was feeling ambitious and started cleaning the mold off the white fence along the pasture and driveway. I felt like a dental hygienist, cleaning teeth.

Every muscle in my back ached.

But I have a nice light tan. (I used 70 SPF and applied every hour.)

I only managed to get the driveway portion of the fence (31 panels on each side of the driveway) so I still have a lot more work ahead of me washing the pasture panels.

And the fire ants loved the taste of my feet!

***
The boy's Xbox 360 died. He wants to try the towel trick where you overheat the unit. Supposedly it works. I'm a little peeved that this happens all the time to the Xbox and it costs $140 for Microsoft to fix it, when it clearly is a problem/bug/design flaw on their part. Looks like we will be trying the towel fix.

Don't feel too bad for him, because he and his sister also have a Wii, so he is still playing videos.

***
Looked like the boy's PLEVA (remember he was diagnosed with that after his chicken pox never went away) was coming back in May, so his doctor sent us to the dermatologist. They took a few biopsies of his sores and it turns out, he doesn't have PLEVA, just itchy skin that he scratches way too much. After a round of antibiotics and some cream for the sores, his legs look almost normal.

I took him back to the dermatologist on Friday for his return appointment and he was telling the physician assistant (a man in his 30's) about staying up late playing video games. The PA asked him if he played Mario Kart and what was his handle because he will race him on line.

And that is a good example of why I have never let 12 year old play "Live" on the internet. Ha!

Gosh, I hope I'm not always going to be like this.

Fleeing the Bastille Anniversary

Oh what a difference a year makes. I wish you could see and compare my old drivers license picture with my new one that I got last week.

It's all in the eyes.

Last year on the 26th of June, I sat at my parents' dining table not knowing what the future would look like for us. All I could think of was the worse case scenarios - having to foreclose on my house, losing everything, filing for bankruptcy and the fear of heinous things vileman may have done prior to being caught.

The last six months of 2008 were so uncertain, but by December I was feeling pretty darn good. The first of that month, I went back to the old place to pack up some toys for the kids and to sign some paperwork at my lawyer's office. His paralegal was shocked when I gave her my drivers license (the old one) for her to write down my DL number in her notary book. She gasped and said I looked nothing like that lady in the picture. I joked and said that yes, I had definitely aged over the last six months and she insisted that wasn't it, that the picture depicts a very sad woman.

That old photo just screams "help me".

The paralegal wasn't the only one that day to notice. Prior to heading to the lawyer' office, I stopped at my swimming buddy's house to drop off the entire "Left Behind" book series, where her 12 year old son looked at me and said "you look different."

I guess I was wearing a new attitude.

2009 has been the year of transition . . . it started off perfect with the divorce finalized on January 6th, the selling of the house in April and (keeps fingers crossed) this fall, I hope to find a job and return to work after 6 years of being a stay-at-home mom.

Those first few weeks last June, I slept with a large, heavy, lucite award given to my dad in 2000. What little sleep I got, you could bet my fingers were tightly grasped on that odd security blanket/protection. I kept my fears to myself, but the boy voiced them out loud - "I'm scared he is going to come and kill you because you didn't bail him out of jail". That is so sad, yet he knew, at age 11 (at that time), that vileman might be capable of violence.

I believe the book "The Sociopath Next Door" says one in 25 people are a sociopath and suggests the best way to avoid one that was previously in your life, is to ignore them. The author counsels not to try and spar with them because you cannot reason with a sociopath.

On April 6th, when we closed on our house, the realtor asked me if I needed to be in a separate room from vileman. I assured her I would be okay and I sat next to him. I was very civil and made small talk with our realtor and on occasion with vileman. At one point he had to excuse himself from the table because he had started crying. I chose to ignore his tears. Afterwards when I was getting in my car, he pulled me toward him for a very uncomfortable, awkward and unwanted hug.

I used a pay-as-you go cell phone when I lived there. It was the best plan for me at that time because I never talked on my cell phone and only kept it for emergencies. I kept it going when I moved up here because my lawyer and realtor lived there and they wouldn't have to phone me long distance because my number was a local number for them. On the evening of April 7th, that cell phone rang and it was vileman. Just as casual as could be, he reminded me that "Rescue Me" was coming on that night. What the heck? The man had caused my family agonizing pain and he was calling me like nothing had happened. I said thank you and hung up.

The phone was immediately turned off and it will never be turned back on.

There was no reason to ever have contact with him after the house was sold and his wages were garnished for child support and paid through that system. Time to implement the ignoring him strategy.

I used to get 5 emails along with two typed letters via certified delivery every week. He also includes letters to the kids which I will never give to them. No contact means no contact. He provokes me in the letters, but I know it is just an attempt to get a reaction from me. Since ignoring him, the emails are showing up only once a week and the mailed letters have almost stopped (though I did receive one late last week).

The best way to deal with vileman's actions, is to remind myself that he feels no shame, no remorse, no love. He is a robot.

The emails and letters he sends I read with my eyes wide open, telling myself he is a psychopath/sociopath ped-o-vile. I'm like an English teacher grading a student's paper. I take out my red pen and break down the letters, circling key phrases and writing out beside them what his intent really is.

Right now he is accusing me of alienating my children from him. He will cite that he was their primary caretaker (what!) and that they are being deprived a loving father. (A loving father who left his family penniless for 45 days and when he found a new job making $120,000/year, refused to pay child support for four months so that he could, instead, pay for his criminal lawyer.)

What I'm doing is called protecting. And I have the power of a divorce decree which outlines that he has no access or possession to those sweet babies.

Speaking of those sweet babies, they are doing beautifully. The boy even mentioned how relaxed his baseball games were without vileman coaching him from the bleachers through out the entire game.

Who knew losing 185 pounds of vileness would feel and look so good.

Welcome to Oz!

Maybe a better title would be First Comes Denial then (if you are lucky) Comprehension.

Do you think the Scarecrow and the Tinman were sociopaths?

Switching movie genres, do you remember that scene in the movie Sixth Sense where Bruce Willis realizes the little boy can see dead people and Bruce's character quickly goes through all the past events and realizes that he (Bruce) ***spoiler alert*** . . . . is . . . (gulp) . . . dead?

That is exactly what happened to me after I finished reading the book "Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us" and realized that vileman fit most of the characteristics to a T.*

All of vileman's questionable behaviors through the years, played out in fast motion in my brain . . . and I finally knew what he was.

To back up a bit, over the course of the first month in counseling, the Healer begin to refer to vileman as anti-social. Then it was suggested, gently, that he exhibited sociopath/psychopath characteristics based on some of the events I told her about. I never could grasp that he was a psychopath/sociopath. I didn't want to believe that someone I was with for 13 years could have no remorse and be heartless. Also, I was thinking more on the lines of him being a sick ped-0 -vile. Seems I hit the jackpot - I got the psycho ped-o-vile.

The Healer recommended I read the above mentioned book and after leaving her office that morning, I headed to B&N to purchase the book. I didn't read it right away because I was still in that denial phase but after two weeks, I finally picked it up.

I was mesmerized and quickly found a highlighter to underline passages. At the next counseling session, I brought my highlighted copy of the book and sat down on the Healer's couch. The first words out of my mouth were "I should have known."

She assured me that when it is in your face all the time, you can't see it, as in "you can't see the trees for the forest."

The Healer went over all the characteristics highlighted in the book, then I would give an example. I won't bore you with the characteristics but instead, will tell you about an event that occurred early on in our relationship. After reading this you are going to think "girl, you are stupid"!

I had a very high tolerance of putting up with his behavior. He could do something so rude or unfeeling, and I would think to myself "what is wrong with him?" For many years, I thought I had settled for someone like him, but the truth is, he chose me.

Once, long ago, I was about six weeks pregnant when I begin to spot. It was on a Saturday morning, so vileman took me to the emergency room. After the doctor examined me, he said I was still pregnant but probably was going to miscarry and needed to go home, relax and get off my feet. When we were leaving the ER, vileman asked me if I wanted to go eat at Olive Garden. I looked at him like he was crazy. Did he not hear the doctor tell me to go home and lie down? When I reminded him and suggested that maybe he could place a to-go order from there he replied in a whiny voice "but then I can't get refills on the salad or get extra breadsticks". (Inside my brain: What is wrong with him!?)

The next morning, I woke up with horrible cramping. I asked vileman to please call my OB/GYN. Instead of acknowledging me, he asked me to give him a B J. (Yep, you read that right.) I remember being shocked and yelling at him that I was having a miscarriage and he wanted me to perform a s** act!?! (Inside my brain: What is wrong with him!?)

Later that night, since I had ruined his weekend - no Olive Garden and no BJ, he decided that he was the true victim and begin crying and boo hooing about the miscarriage as if he were the one experiencing it.

I should have walked out the door and never looked back.

But I didn't.

Girl, you stooooopid!

I didn't, because I probably thought I could fix him. And vileman needed me, so he could mimic my emotions, since he was/is incapable of feeling any.

Unlike the scarecrow and the tinman, you can't fix a sociopath/psychopath. No great wizard can give vileman a conscious and a heart.

And when I finally understood what kind of person I had been dealing with, the light bulb went on. Acceptance of what vileman is and will always be has kept me sane and strong for the last few months . . . as I deal with his wrath toward me via emails and letters. . . my next post will be how I have been dealing with him since we closed on our house in April.


*Vileman has never been personally interviewed and given the Psychopath Checklist by a forensic psychiatrist. I just choose to believe he is one.

One Sliver of Pie at a Time, Lady

One scary thought running through my brain recently, has been this:

I went through a life-altering, stress filled year and I only managed to LOSE LESS THAN 15 POUNDS!!!!!!!!

Not only that, half of those pounds have crept back on, thanks to giddiness. Grrr.

So, back to doing what worked in the past:

• Eat healthier (the Dash diet worked when I lost 30 pounds in the past)
• Smaller portions
• Drink at least 8 glasses of water each day
• Keep a food journal
• Take vitamins
• Walk at least 5 times a week
• Weight training 3 times a week
• Yoga
• Meditation - quiet time
• Setting goals
• Weekly weigh-in

Put all the above into a pie chart with each representing a slice of pie. Some slices might be cut into slivers, for instance: Eat healthier would include only lean protein, high fiber, 8 to 10 vegetables per day, whole grains only, etc.

In the past, I tried to consume the whole pie on day one, which only set me up to fail. Now that I'm older and wiser, I have portioned out a few slivers for this week and when those are mastered, I will add a few more slivers.

Goals (slivers) for this week:

• Writing down everything I eat in a notebook (no calorie counting)
• Walk at least 3 times
• Drink 4 glasses of water per day
• Take my vitamins

In two days, I have already identified a bad habit - eating 6 year old's leftovers (by the way, 5 year old is now 6). I am not a human garbage disposal and I wasn't aware I was doing this until I started writing it down.

In the meantime, I have been re-reading my favorite diet books - not for a diet plan - but for tips and reading all your blogs for motivation.

Have a great day.

S-U-M-M-E-R!

Wow, the kids and I made it through the school year. Hip, hip hooray!

Last day of school was on Friday and as I watched 12 year old walk across the stage to receive a certificate for being on the honor roll for the entire school year, I was so proud of him for accepting the unexpected.

It wasn't easy at first. I remember the first day of school, he looked so awkward and self-conscious as I dropped him off. (He still looks awkward and self-conscious but so did all the other kids walking across the stage.) Twelve must be the most awkward age!

12 year old had a hard time leaving behind the old life and old friends. Several times a week he would ask if he could call some of his friends from our old life and though I would give in, the old life friends would never reciprocate the call. In other words, none of his old friends ever called him.

I started telling him "no" when he asked to call someone back there and would tell him to "call some new friends here, instead."

It's been almost three months since he has asked to call anyone from there and he enjoys texting here friends.

Not that I don't subscribe to "make new friends and keep those old" but I didn't want the boy to hear any gossip about his father (12 year old knows the truth).

Anyway, once baseball started, I think he begin to feel at home. Though he doesn't play catcher here (this team has several boys who also play on a select team, so their skills are a bit more advanced) he says he still enjoys playing. They will continue to play until the end of June. Karate goes year-round.

12 year old says he enjoyed the school year and all the field trips. (Back there, the kids got one field trip.) Two weeks ago, they went to the big city about 90 miles away to a restaurant that had knights fighting each other (didn't want to say the name) and the school chartered nice, air-conditioned buses to take the kids. This field trip was postponed because of the swine flu so I was very happy that they finally did get to go. His principal is a micro-manager, but he did plan a lot of fun things for the kids through-out the school year.

5 year old had a great year too and is currently reading on a third grade reading level. I don't think I knew how to read until I was 7. She played soccer in the spring and still has two more T-ball games left to play. Her dance recital was last night and I am ready for her activities to end!

I need a break.

I hope to be a better blogger now that my schedule will ease up a bit for a little while. I'm more of a reader/lurker than I am a writer these days.

Checking In

I got nothing new to report, just have been so busy with after-school activities and illness. When I do get on the internet I have been trying to read all of your blogs instead of blogging. I'm on dial-up and it is so slow that once I have read a few blogs, I have to either go pick-up children from school, or leave to take a child to a practice, dance class, or baseball/t-ball game.

Five year old had the coughing virus a couple of weeks ago that lasted for 10 days, then last week she threw-up around 11:30 pm and didn't stop dry heaving for 12 hours. She wouldn't try Helen's honey remedy and the promethazine gel (from an earlier pukey virus) didn't help. I NEVER want to see orzo pasta again. Ever. Never. Never. Never. Ever again!

I have been following the criminal trial court docket (vileman) and for the last two months his case was number 53 on the docket but I noticed on Tuesday, that it had been continued by agreement (CBA). Which tells me, they (the police/DA) have a good case against him and his lawyer is delaying the trial to keep him out of jail. Anybody out there really know what/why the defense attorney and the district attorney agree to delay a case?

The kids and I benefit (as long as he is still working) by collecting another month's of child support. Also, the vileman still owes me $$$$ on back child support payments and reimbursement of attorney fees. He owes about 50% of the note (I received all of his 43% portion of the equity in the house) and per the divorce decree those payments start in June.

Oops! Accidentally hit the publish button - Grrr.

School will be over with at the end of the month (Yippie) and I'm so happy that I was able to stay at home this past year, despite everything that has happened. But it is time for me to really (seriously, really) look for a job before vileman is shipped off to jail.

I have two posts running in my head and know I need to get them out here so I can "let go". One of them is about finding out vileman is probably a psychopath (I use the word probably, because he hasn't been interviewed and labeled that based on an evaluation. That is the word along with 'anti-social' that the healer has used in our sessions to describe him). I don't know why I can't sit down at the computer and write it out, but for some reason I would rather put it off. Hmmm.

Anyway, off to eat lunch. Have a great weekend.

Feeling Artsy Fartsy - Recession Style

This week I had a burst of artiness.

While cleaning out the girl's closet, putting away winter clothes and making room for the nice new spring wardrobe we had bought at Kohls, J.C. Penny's, Macy's and Target, I noticed most of her jeans had holes in the knees. Earlier in the year, I had patched a few of them with cute little iron on patches but since then, she had a wee growth spurt and some of those jeans were now highwaters.

The jeans still fit in the waist, so I cut the lower leg part off , hemmed or cuffed them to make shorts. (In my day, we just cut them off and washed them several times for the oh so cool "cut-offs" but I guess today that would be considered trashy.)

After a quick jaunt to Wally's where I picked up cute appliques, cute buttons and little sparkly diamond-like iron-on jewels, I proceeded to go through all her clothes that were too short, had holes in the knees and shirts with small stains on them.

A pair of very long jeans were cuffed (a large cuff) using iron-on hem tape, making them capri-length jeans. She had worn holes in the knee, so I patched them with "princess" style (not the Disney princesses, just the word "princess") appliques, pink and yellow flower appliques, and added pink beaded fringe to the bottom of the cuff.

Those jeans look so cute, if I say so myself.

A black tee shirt was revived with a large skull bones applique finished off with a nice sparkly, diamond grill/braces on his teeth. It was paired with "new" blue jean shorts which now have smaller skull bone appliques on their pockets. This is the girls favorite "new" outfit - she wore it today. It will have to be a weekend outfit because her school will not allow "skulls" on clothing.

One turquoise tee shirt that had small grease spots on it (my kids . . . even though they are given napkins, somehow little greasy fingers are still wiped on their clothes) became a one-of-a kind crystal design with a colorful butter fly applique and butter fly buttons sewed on strategically hiding any of the small spots. I added the same butterfly applique to a pair of her white shorts to make a set.

I did this all day Thursday and most of Friday morning. I matched shirts with other shorts/newly made shorts from jeans and was able to make six "new" short/tee shirt sets, three capri-length jeans and an extra two fancy tee shirts out of her out-grown in length pants, holey or slightly stained clothing.

Wished I would have done this before going to Kohls, J.C. Penny's, Macy's and Target.

Redistributing the Eggs in the Carton

I know some of you have probably heard of the egg-carton analogy:

In my carton there are three eggs. Two huge ostrich eggs and a small little robbin egg.

Think of the egg carton as a teeter-tauter/see-saw, with the two ostrich eggs taking up most of the carton on the right hand side leaving a little room on the left, which is empty and slightly lifted up in the air. The little robbin egg has slipped out of it's slot and is nestled up against the ostrich eggs, safe from falling out of the carton.

Obviously, the weight of the carton is not balanced.

The 12 year old and the 5 year old represent the ostrich eggs.

Over the past nine months, I have put all my energy into my two beautiful, broken hearted children, ignoring most of my own needs. I have held, hugged, reassured, soothed and wiped many tears from 12 y/o and 5 y/o but have never shed a tear for myself. The few tears that were blinked out were for others.

I needed a cleansing "woe is me" cry, yet for some reason, I refused to allow myself to cry. It's too late now and best of all, I currently do not feel like crying.

Leaving that city on the day that vileman was arrested was the best decision I made besides not bailing him out of jail (I am so proud of the way I handled his call from jail and so thankful I didn't rush to his aid). Had I not fled and instead, stayed in our home; I would have boarded up the house to keep vileman away then retreated to the bedroom, where I would have pulled the covers over my head and stayed there. Not leaving would have prevented us from moving forward and healing.

When we moved in with my parents, they were not going to allow me to wallow in despair. My priorities were the children. Their needs and my counseling sessions with the Healer have kept me from going coo-coo. Unfortunately, I completely threw all my time and energy into their activities, losing myself along the way.

Those two big ostrich eggs saved the little robbin egg from falling out of the egg carton but it's time to redistribute for balance.

The first egg to be placed on the left side will represent diet and exercise. I'm ready to focus on this part of my life and feel I'm going to be successful. No empty promises to myself this time. I already feel lighter thanks to a divorce and getting rid of the house and though I still maintain the original 15 pound weight loss since June 25th, it isn't significant enough to be noticeable in my clothes, face, butt and stomach. I have a plan that I started implementing last week and will talk about in a future post.

Second egg in my carton will be the need to focus on my mental health. I was seeing the Healer once a week up until my divorce in January. I quit going because I no longer had good insurance after the divorce that would allow me to go with just payment of my co-pay. To pay out of pocket would have been unaffordable. Also, the 5 year old "graduated" from counseling in December so I just assumed I had "graduated" too.

I heard from the Healer in February and she asked if I would be willing to come back and see her. She offered to see me on a pro-bono basis for four weeks. After those four weeks were up, she extended it for another four weeks . . . (how f*cked up am I?!).

Truth is, I love counseling and walk out of her office feeling lifted and empowered.

So for now, I plan to focus time on those two new eggs along with my children. With time, the carton will eventually fill up with more and more eggs representing other areas of my life; all equally distributed.

And as I redistribute my time, emotions and energy from fully focusing on my children, their ostrich size eggs will return to"normal" healthy sized eggs. This should help them progress on and no longer feel the responsibility of keeping mommy happy, fulfilled, and busy.

When the Fog Lifts . . . It's Amazing How Clear Everything Is

A couple of weeks ago, in a session with the Healer, I tentatively mentioned a dream I had the night before. Tentatively, because I was afraid of dream analysis and didn't want to hear something like "how long have you been harboring those latent ***insert something horrific or embarrassing*** tendencies?"

Anyway, the dream had me swimming in a huge pool, which happened to be in the middle of my house. I was so happy, swimming by myself. Then vileman came home from work and stood alongside the pool. The temperature in the pool got colder and any joy I felt quickly turned to anxiety. Worse of all, vileman jumped into the pool and tried to swim with me. I refused to turn my back on him, because I didn't trust him and was afraid he was going to try and drown me.

Okay, settle down and quit laughing.

I know what you are thinking and the Healer told me it wasn't a s*xual or m*sterbation dream. Instead it was a very illuminating summary of my life with vileman.

***

It has been very hard for me to want to post lately. Yet, I have so many thoughts that need to be put out here and then let go of. So here goes . . .

I had no tangible proof.

Gut instinct and a few hints of odd behavior told me something wasn't right.

My first suspicions occurred around late August 2004. We were in the process of moving to another city and were a few days away from closing on the house we had sold. There were men in and out of the house: repair men and inspectors.

I got the call from a woman who said someone from our phone number (a land line) had called her daughter's cell phone. I told her it couldn't have been anyone here because my son was only seven and didn't use the phone. Vileman was standing next to me and it is so clear now how sheepish he looked. The woman on the phone seemed very concerned about her daughter receiving a call from our number and I explained that we were moving and had many people in and out of the house, and that perhaps maybe one of them had used our phone and accidentally called her daughter's cell phone number. She wasn't buying that.

After she hung up and the vileman left the room, something told me to call her back and ask how old her daughter was. The lady refused to answer any of my questions and was uncooperative. She probably was just as scared as I was to know the truth.

I knew at that moment that I might be married to a vile person and would have to wait it out and be on guard until I had enough evidence to leave him.

Over the last six months, I have acknowledged and understand that the kids and I provided a family-man cover for him. We were, in Hollywood terms, his beard.

Grooming.

People like vileman are expert groomers.

At one of my son's ballgames, I watched from the bleachers as vileman went into the dugout and one by one touched each player on the shoulder, bent low to their ears and said something to them. It gave me the creeps. He wasn't their coach nor the assistant coach and really had no business being the in the dugout.

When we got home I told him I thought it was very inappropriate for him to do that. The verbal abuse was spewed at me "you are so paranoid!" "How could you think those awful thoughts about me!?!" "You are the sick one to think those things!" "You need to get a life because you are going crazy!" and so on and so on.

A couple of years later, I found out from the Healer that what I had witnessed was vileman practicing his grooming techniques.

*Grooming is the gradual process of invading a person's physical space, emotional space and intelligence. The groomer uses a selection process and desensitises the victim with more and more intrusive behavior. (*The Healer's definition - I was taking notes that day.)

My suspicions went into hyper-alert with my own children (they are fine by the way - my son swears he was never touched. I may never know the truth . . . did he or didn't he . . . but they both are in good mental and physical shape right now) and I hated to have kids play over because I had to be watchful. Remember, I had no proof that he was vile . . . but I couldn't let my guard down.

The first few weeks after I had a noticeable weight loss, vileman paid a little more attention to me, which made me, want to gain my weight back. The attention didn't last long and by December of 2006, he had lost all interest in me. Vileman never touched me again.

The last few months, he was spiraling out of control, he would call me with weird stories about why he wouldn't be home from work on time. I knew he was cheating on me and per the discovery from my lawyer, I was right. Vileman had begun to participate in dangerous and anonymous s*xual encounters. He admitted to having several hook-ups with couples but did not know their real names or remember where they lived.

My assumption is that he semi-told the truth to avoid perjuring himself, had our divorce went to trial. I know that there had to be a lot more "hook-ups" than he admitted. But I digress back to the true vileness.

I knew he was lying to me and I just couldn't stand sleeping next to him at night. I once had a nightmare of him rolling the area rug in the family room around my bludgeoned body.

I found myself sleeping in the family room on the couch or on the futon in the spare bedroom. (I took neither of these items with me during my move.)

Over the last few years, I doubt I ever got more than six hours of sleep and that would have been a good nights rest. My average was probably less than four hours.

Vileman had a bad habit of calling people that I knew (I usually found out later) and I would have to hold back on telling him about any new friends or people I had met. For example years ago when I worked, I found out that my boss was having a fling with another co-worker at work and mentioned it to vileman. He called both of them (I found out months and months later). And there is no telling how many of my friends he called over the years behind my back. It dawned on me recently that he did that to keep me from developing any outside friendships, which would make me depend on him more and make it harder for me to want to leave him . . . there's that fog lifting thing again.

I survived. My children survived.

You might read this and think why did you stay married to him? I had to. It assured me that the children were safe with me in the house. Had we divorced before he got caught, he would have gotten joint custody of the kids. I am at peace that I made the right decision to stay in that marriage and wait it out.

It is sad for my children that he may go to prison, but they don't need a man like him in their life. Nor does the public need another vile person on the streets.

I have more to write about vileman: his psychopath attributes and seeing him for (I hope) the last time. I promise they will not be novella length.

Saying Goodbye to all the Old Hiding and Numbing Places

On Sunday night, I sat in my hotel room, located between two places where I ran up credit card debt of several thousand dollars over the time frame beginning around the fall of 2006 and abruptly ending mid June, 2008. Super Target is a hop, skip and a jump north and the mall is several hundred feet south of me.

Good bye old, destructive friends.

Actually, I said a semi-goodbye to "non-necessity" spending last June. For old times sake, I stopped at the Super Target before checking into my hotel room. I splurged on Method household cleaning products and picked up some Italian soda to bring back for the kids. (We don't have a Super Target at home.)

I was back in town (from the previous life) to close on my house Monday morning. Eight months after being on the market, it finally found a buyer. I am so relieved that I will not be saddled with a mortgage if and when the vileman goes to prison.

His portion of the equity will not fully pay off the $$$$ owed me for back child support and lawyer fees, but it is about a 40% start. My very good lawyer put a lien on the house payable to me since vileman's payments for legal reimbursement would not start until August 2009 . . . and I knew I would never see any money.

As I tried to watch Celebrity Apprentice (my guilty pleasure) I thought about all the ways I coped while living with vileman and how I have managed to say goodbye to both the destructive and non-destructive habits.

The mommie juice.
It was on its way to becoming a problem. I wrote one of you saying, that my tolerance was getting higher and higher of the cheap red wine and two glasses a night was not enough to give me that numb feeling. My solution to the problem was to get bigger red wine glasses. One glass probably held 16 ounces! When vileman walked through that door every day at 5:15 pm, I headed straight for the wine box. It was my unhealthy coping mechanism.

Once I was out of that environment, I noticed I didn't think about the mommie juice nor did I need the mommie juice any longer. In fact, it should have been renamed "vileman elixir".

The super-sized wine goblets went to one of the day-laborers who I hired to help me load my u-haul moving truck.

The Treadmill
When I was in a get fit mood, I would avoid vileman by walking on the treadmill after he got home from work. I made sure dinner was on the table for my family and instead of eating with them, I would disappear into the spare bedroom with my iPod and walk and walk and walk. Never walking anywhere, just walking in the same place. Stuck. I chose not to take the treadmill with me and vileman either kept it or gave it away. Either way, I don't care.

The Shopping
November of 2006 showed a weight-loss of 32 pounds. I had cut out salty foods, alcohol, snacking and sweets, adhering to the Dash diet. I was moving my body and not sitting in front of the television. As the numbers on the scale and blood pressure machine lowered, my credit card balance went up. The girl and I went went shopping twice a month. The stuff I bought wasn't hoarded and left in shopping bags. It was almost all used (except for most of my stuff) and everyone in the family benefited. A little too much.

Two weeks ago, I went through all my workout clothes, many still had tags on them (hey, at least they were out of the bags!). It was crazy going through all the yoga pants and tops! I was able to give my older sister some of the tanks but I still had way too many. Too many tee's that are too tight. Too many shorts. Too many workout bras. Too many.

A big portion went to Goodwill.
***

Monday morning, before heading to the title company, I walked through the empty house for the last time and said goodbye to that fancy faux prison and all my old hiding places.

The Pantry
Though I worked out at the Y several times a week and walked on the treadmill at night, I still managed to stand in the pantry and consume hundreds of calories during the day; it usually started around 1:30 with a little handful of this or that and lasted until 4:30 in the afternoon. I can visualize me eating a handful of something then closing the pantry door, returning quickly for another dose of numbing. A revolving door would have made it perfect.

The Master Bathroom.
That house had an awesome master bath! Huge bathtub where I spent many hours soaking in that tub at night, avoiding vileman. On the nights that I walked on the treadmill, I would retreat to my bedroom afterwards and close the door, turn on the TV and put a facial mask on for 20 minutes before showering. I could easily spend an additional hour in there, putting off any face time with vileman.


When I walked down the hallway to the back bedrooms to say goodbye to the small fourth bedroom that had housed my treadmill, a stench reminiscent of an overflowing port-o-potty on a hot August day permeated the air. Seems someone had taken a poop in the half bath several days earlier and failed to flush the commode.

It reeked.

It stunk.

It couldn't have been a more perfect ending in closing this chapter of my life.