Those Sneaky Pounds and other things:

The morning of January 1st, I got out of bed, groaned and pulled out the Tanita hidden under the bed.

Might as well see the damage.

I had to get on and off that scale five times before I accepted the number on the read out dial . . . 167.4 pounds!

Yee Haw!!!!

Not only do those pounds sneak up on you, apparently they can sneak off too!

Haven't weighed 167 in over 6 years (which didn't last long) though, I did see a blip of 167 in November of 2007, it was only for a few hours . . .

Since losing on the Crack the Fat diet, I was maintaining around 173/174.

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I'm going to be emailing some of you with an attachment of my resume as a rich text file. I do not have Microsoft Works (only Tasks) and cannot send a doc file. Anyway, I would love, love, love any advice you might have (I promise I can handle constructive criticism) on improving my chances for getting an interview!

I have applied for many administrative assistant positions because that is where my strongest skills are but have not been able to secure interviews and I would love, love, love any feedback you might have.

Every rejection email/letter that I get has me wondering . . . why? My former supervisors have all given me great references (for the one interview I scored for a foodstamps clerk), my criminal background is clean, etc.

Any advice would be appreciated.

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Vickie wanted to know if I cut my hair myself in the bathroom (I thought that was so funny and it gave me a much needed laugh . . . I was kind of dramatic about it!)

The girl who has cut my hair for the last year . . . had a bad day. I asked to go shorter and it looked like some weird version of the Kate (of Jon and Kate) thing . . . only ugly. So I waited three days and went to another hairdresser and asked her to just give me a pixie. Currently, my hair is as short as Jamie Lee Curtis' on those laxative yogurt commercials.

Short.

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Sometimes bald isn't short enough. I think I wanted ALL my hair cut off after I got notice from the DA that I would be needed at vileman's trial. Aaaaaaarrrrgh.

You can take hot showers, scrub your skin raw and cut off all your hair, but you still can't get that stench of vileman out of your system.

2009 Had Such High Hopes . . .

Have you ever had trouble reading the last few chapters of a book because lack of time or exhaustion preventing you from finishing it?.

I sooooo wanted to close the book on vileman by the end of 2009.

Not going to happen.

Now his trial is set for late February 2010.

I wonder how many more victims he violated from the time he got out of jail in July 2008 to present time?

I had such high hopes for 2009 - a divorce the first week of the new year and the house sold in first month of the second quarter. . .

But it seems to be ending with a fizzle . . .

Still no job - I feel so unworthy.

I cut all my hair off - I feel so ugly.

Screeeeeeeech . . .

Best to put on the brakes and not think about things that make me feel like dog doo.

I will find a job in 2010.

My hair will grow out.

Time to Soar

Seeing how we are now in the good tidings and merry season, I shall not try to grumble and moan too loudly about everything that has gone so wrong the past three weeks. I need to keep on keeping on but I have to wonder what the tipping point is?

Is there a DNA component that has a person hitting bottom and rising out of the ashes like the phoenix? Or is there a component that makes a person throw up their hands and look up at the sky declaring defeat?

I hope, hope, hope, I have the phoenix DNA.

At my last job, over 6 1/2 years ago, I worked with a woman who had a black doom cloud hanging over her head. Trouble just seemed to follow her. I have been thinking about her a lot lately, wondering if she ever had any potential and just gave up on striving for things she wanted to achieve by giving in to the ultimate sin of "settling".

Was she once a vibrant, thin, good natured woman? Did life beat her down so much that she put on 60 pounds, took up smoking, settled for a low-wage job where she wore the same stinky sweater with pockets (to hold the cigarettes) everyday? Did she give up on her children and fail to help progress them along? What happened to her?

I hope, hope, hope, I don't become just like her.

***

Think of all my blessings . . .

13 and 6 mean everything to me. Everything I have done has been in the best interest of them. That includes not going back to work right away (this is a very sore subject with a male figure in my family.) As Vickie likes to say "should of, could of, would of". I don't want to regret being home for them during a very difficult time in their life.

I had a flat tire three weeks ago. I was at the country town library where the out of school suspension kids flock to after their class is over (ironic, I know.) As I walked to my car, a young delinquent pointed out that I had a flat. He offered to fix it . . . . for money. I told him thank you and that I had no money on me so I would fix it myself.

One of the other gang members shook his head and told me he would fix it for me, because he said "my mom could be in the same predicament as you and I hope someone helps her." It took the gang one hour to break my jack and change the tire. But I was happy they helped me and offered to write their probation officers and a judge a nice letter.

The 13 year old and I are going to practice changing the tire so that he and I both can learn. But first, I'm going to buy a better jack.

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Last month the healer sent a huge package to the ADA's office. It included all correspondence from vileman that he has written to me and the kids plus all emails he sends (his bond restrictions are supposed to keep him off the Internet except for job hunting purposes.) After the ADA received the package, she called the healer to report that "if it were true, (duh!?! they had all the evidence) then he was in violation of his bond restrictions".

Nothing ever came of it. Which leaves me to believe that (1) they think it is domestic or (2) they are going to present it during his trial and probably subpoena me to testify. Grrr. Or (3) they know his trial is coming up at the end of December and maybe the info they have will keep him from getting another continuance.

I'm losing my faith in the judicial system.

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I haven't been able to comment or post because (very embarrassing) I could not remember my password to this account. Ahem. And like the smart cookie that I am, the email address where they send the password info should you forget, required that password that I couldn't remember.

It finally came to me after days and days of trying . . . and I now feel quite merry.

The Sponge Cannot Absorb Anything Else

I am saturated.

And ready to implode!

Time for relaxation techniques to kick in . . . and implemented immediately.

I haven't heard any feedback regarding vileman's liberal use of the internet and other no no's.

***

Must. Think. Of. Something. Positive.

****

I have maintained an 11 pound weight loss for the last few weeks, though I haven't been cracking the whip.

*****

Vileman's trial has been reset to the week after Christmas. He is at the very top of the list and I know that the prosecutor assigned (he has bounced all over the ADA staff) just wrapped up a very high profile murder case.

I might be writing a very long letter to Santa Claus regarding adding someone to his naughty list.

No News . . . Yet (tick tick tick . . .)

Still waiting to hear something about anything!

In the meantime, I'm hunkered down trying to secure some temporary seasonal retail employment while still doing the full-time job hunt.

I so wish I had something of the good news variety to let you know about.

But I got nothing.

I have been staying away from sweets (there's a bit of good news!) and sticking with the fat cracking diet. The few slacks that I bought last fall when I thought I was going to be looking for a job, are about to be too big - (some more good news!)

Switching gears, last week Abbey from TBL was on the radio and mentioned there was a romance going on behind the scenes . . . after watching Tuesday's episode, I think I might have figured out the duo . . . (Trainer and young pretty trainee . . . )

I'm off to read Jen's review of this weeks TBL episode . . . maybe she mentions something about it.

tick tick tick tick tick tick tick . . . . . .

The waiting is the hardest part.

Thursday and Friday, were horrible eating days. The worst of the year and possibly the last few years.

I was running around gathering information and making copies and the stress of it all (plus the dreaded first day of lady cycle) had me incorporating an old habit . . .something I haven't done in several years . . .

I invited an old companion to accompany me. Her name is "Little Debbie" and she supplied the zebra cakes.

After I inhaled the package of two small nonfood items, I realized I hadn't even tasted them. So I pulled out a second package of two and ate them slower. (Bringing my calorie content to around 900 for four individual zebra cakes.

By the way, they were not tasty.

When I got to my destination, I threw the box away for fear I would consume the entire contents, trying desparately to remember why they (the cakes) brought me comfort a few years ago.

The magic wasn't rekindled.

Friday, I failed to eat breakfast and realized it was already time to pick up the kids from school and I hadn't eaten anything all day. I was wired from too much coffee.

Thank goodness I have the snack bag in the car for the kids (which has never bothered me or triggered any binges).

Two individual bags of goldfish crackers later, I was now craving carbs.

Made the kids witches broomstick breadsticks (from pizza dough) when we got home. I ate mine with butter.

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I know it might not sound so bad or be considered a binge in some peoples' book but it isn't really about the food. It's how I handled the stress. It was handled destructively. And not just one off day but two. And we all know that if it isn't nipped in the bud, two bad days can equal a week and so on . . . until you weigh more than you have ever weighed.


This morning I had a boiled egg and a sliced apple first thing.

My face and fingers feel and look puffy.

I think my best course of dealing with the upcoming issue is to eat healthy, get plenty of water, exercise and wait it out like a human. Not a zombie feasting on anything that moves past me.

Problem Will Be Solved (Keeps fingers crossed . . .)

Thank you all so much for your support and comments regarding you know what.

I believe the problem will be handled by the end of the week and I will keep you informed . . .

until then, I edited my last post, so as not to tip someone off should someone happen to find this blog. I hid the comments for the time being also.

I will write more once I know more.

Thanks again for all your support! I so, so, appreciate it.