Monday, April 20, 2009

Redistributing the Eggs in the Carton

I know some of you have probably heard of the egg-carton analogy:

In my carton there are three eggs. Two huge ostrich eggs and a small little robbin egg.

Think of the egg carton as a teeter-tauter/see-saw, with the two ostrich eggs taking up most of the carton on the right hand side leaving a little room on the left, which is empty and slightly lifted up in the air. The little robbin egg has slipped out of it's slot and is nestled up against the ostrich eggs, safe from falling out of the carton.

Obviously, the weight of the carton is not balanced.

The 12 year old and the 5 year old represent the ostrich eggs.

Over the past nine months, I have put all my energy into my two beautiful, broken hearted children, ignoring most of my own needs. I have held, hugged, reassured, soothed and wiped many tears from 12 y/o and 5 y/o but have never shed a tear for myself. The few tears that were blinked out were for others.

I needed a cleansing "woe is me" cry, yet for some reason, I refused to allow myself to cry. It's too late now and best of all, I currently do not feel like crying.

Leaving that city on the day that vileman was arrested was the best decision I made besides not bailing him out of jail (I am so proud of the way I handled his call from jail and so thankful I didn't rush to his aid). Had I not fled and instead, stayed in our home; I would have boarded up the house to keep vileman away then retreated to the bedroom, where I would have pulled the covers over my head and stayed there. Not leaving would have prevented us from moving forward and healing.

When we moved in with my parents, they were not going to allow me to wallow in despair. My priorities were the children. Their needs and my counseling sessions with the Healer have kept me from going coo-coo. Unfortunately, I completely threw all my time and energy into their activities, losing myself along the way.

Those two big ostrich eggs saved the little robbin egg from falling out of the egg carton but it's time to redistribute for balance.

The first egg to be placed on the left side will represent diet and exercise. I'm ready to focus on this part of my life and feel I'm going to be successful. No empty promises to myself this time. I already feel lighter thanks to a divorce and getting rid of the house and though I still maintain the original 15 pound weight loss since June 25th, it isn't significant enough to be noticeable in my clothes, face, butt and stomach. I have a plan that I started implementing last week and will talk about in a future post.

Second egg in my carton will be the need to focus on my mental health. I was seeing the Healer once a week up until my divorce in January. I quit going because I no longer had good insurance after the divorce that would allow me to go with just payment of my co-pay. To pay out of pocket would have been unaffordable. Also, the 5 year old "graduated" from counseling in December so I just assumed I had "graduated" too.

I heard from the Healer in February and she asked if I would be willing to come back and see her. She offered to see me on a pro-bono basis for four weeks. After those four weeks were up, she extended it for another four weeks . . . (how f*cked up am I?!).

Truth is, I love counseling and walk out of her office feeling lifted and empowered.

So for now, I plan to focus time on those two new eggs along with my children. With time, the carton will eventually fill up with more and more eggs representing other areas of my life; all equally distributed.

And as I redistribute my time, emotions and energy from fully focusing on my children, their ostrich size eggs will return to"normal" healthy sized eggs. This should help them progress on and no longer feel the responsibility of keeping mommy happy, fulfilled, and busy.

13 comments:

Jill said...

Beautiful!

And I don't think you are f*cked up at all - I think she sees that you are making progress and she wants to you keep going (like a good therapist should).

Keep the momentum going, girl. We're all pulling for you!

sharla*** said...

I think this is the best thing you have ever posted! I can relate to the kid eggs right now!

I agree with Jill-progress is a very good thing!!!!

Helen said...

Plain and simple, you ROCK. :-)
Realizing things, facing them, working through THAT is success.

jen said...

Glad to see that you realize that the best thing you can do for your kids is to let them see you feeling whole and happy.

Anne M. said...

I think you're smart, intuitive, strong, and compassionate - and an amazing mother. Those kids are healing because you made that your priority. I'm glad you're able to work on balancing those eggs a bit. Helen's right, you ROCK :)

Cindy...154 said...

How wonderful that your healer will see you pro bono. what a miracle, a Godsend, a blessing or whatever you want to call it. stuff like that does not happen every day. she probably loves to see you because you are healing and willing to move forward. It looks like you are progressing naturally in a positive direction. You had to focus on the kids first, so that you could help them and as they are better you are able to take more care of you. awesome!!!

Patience said...

You're healing! You're all healing!!

Sally Parrott Ashbrook said...

I'm so proud of you. :D

Cammy said...

I've been doing extra weights, just in case you need a pair of good, strong shoulders. :) But I don't think you'll need them. You're on your way, and you will find your balance!

Shannon (The Daily Balance) said...

such a great post! You are so inspiring!

Laura N said...

Beautiful post! And, you know, you didn't have to make them the big eggs. You could have chosen to focus on yourself & having fun & feeling better no matter the cost. I had an aunt who did that when her kids were little & she divorced, & it damaged them deeply. It's not always a given that a mom will do the right thing by their kids.

YOU, however, are The Mom of the Year. Woman, seriously, so proud of you for all you are doing for them. & now they will see you taking care of yourself & it will further the healing process for you all.

And the pro bono counselor? Amazing. Special place in heaven for folks like that!

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