Tuesday, April 14, 2009

When the Fog Lifts . . . It's Amazing How Clear Everything Is

A couple of weeks ago, in a session with the Healer, I tentatively mentioned a dream I had the night before. Tentatively, because I was afraid of dream analysis and didn't want to hear something like "how long have you been harboring those latent ***insert something horrific or embarrassing*** tendencies?"

Anyway, the dream had me swimming in a huge pool, which happened to be in the middle of my house. I was so happy, swimming by myself. Then vileman came home from work and stood alongside the pool. The temperature in the pool got colder and any joy I felt quickly turned to anxiety. Worse of all, vileman jumped into the pool and tried to swim with me. I refused to turn my back on him, because I didn't trust him and was afraid he was going to try and drown me.

Okay, settle down and quit laughing.

I know what you are thinking and the Healer told me it wasn't a s*xual or m*sterbation dream. Instead it was a very illuminating summary of my life with vileman.


It has been very hard for me to want to post lately. Yet, I have so many thoughts that need to be put out here and then let go of. So here goes . . .

I had no tangible proof.

Gut instinct and a few hints of odd behavior told me something wasn't right.

My first suspicions occurred around late August 2004. We were in the process of moving to another city and were a few days away from closing on the house we had sold. There were men in and out of the house: repair men and inspectors.

I got the call from a woman who said someone from our phone number (a land line) had called her daughter's cell phone. I told her it couldn't have been anyone here because my son was only seven and didn't use the phone. Vileman was standing next to me and it is so clear now how sheepish he looked. The woman on the phone seemed very concerned about her daughter receiving a call from our number and I explained that we were moving and had many people in and out of the house, and that perhaps maybe one of them had used our phone and accidentally called her daughter's cell phone number. She wasn't buying that.

After she hung up and the vileman left the room, something told me to call her back and ask how old her daughter was. The lady refused to answer any of my questions and was uncooperative. She probably was just as scared as I was to know the truth.

I knew at that moment that I might be married to a vile person and would have to wait it out and be on guard until I had enough evidence to leave him.

Over the last six months, I have acknowledged and understand that the kids and I provided a family-man cover for him. We were, in Hollywood terms, his beard.


People like vileman are expert groomers.

At one of my son's ballgames, I watched from the bleachers as vileman went into the dugout and one by one touched each player on the shoulder, bent low to their ears and said something to them. It gave me the creeps. He wasn't their coach nor the assistant coach and really had no business being the in the dugout.

When we got home I told him I thought it was very inappropriate for him to do that. The verbal abuse was spewed at me "you are so paranoid!" "How could you think those awful thoughts about me!?!" "You are the sick one to think those things!" "You need to get a life because you are going crazy!" and so on and so on.

A couple of years later, I found out from the Healer that what I had witnessed was vileman practicing his grooming techniques.

*Grooming is the gradual process of invading a person's physical space, emotional space and intelligence. The groomer uses a selection process and desensitises the victim with more and more intrusive behavior. (*The Healer's definition - I was taking notes that day.)

My suspicions went into hyper-alert with my own children (they are fine by the way - my son swears he was never touched. I may never know the truth . . . did he or didn't he . . . but they both are in good mental and physical shape right now) and I hated to have kids play over because I had to be watchful. Remember, I had no proof that he was vile . . . but I couldn't let my guard down.

The first few weeks after I had a noticeable weight loss, vileman paid a little more attention to me, which made me, want to gain my weight back. The attention didn't last long and by December of 2006, he had lost all interest in me. Vileman never touched me again.

The last few months, he was spiraling out of control, he would call me with weird stories about why he wouldn't be home from work on time. I knew he was cheating on me and per the discovery from my lawyer, I was right. Vileman had begun to participate in dangerous and anonymous s*xual encounters. He admitted to having several hook-ups with couples but did not know their real names or remember where they lived.

My assumption is that he semi-told the truth to avoid perjuring himself, had our divorce went to trial. I know that there had to be a lot more "hook-ups" than he admitted. But I digress back to the true vileness.

I knew he was lying to me and I just couldn't stand sleeping next to him at night. I once had a nightmare of him rolling the area rug in the family room around my bludgeoned body.

I found myself sleeping in the family room on the couch or on the futon in the spare bedroom. (I took neither of these items with me during my move.)

Over the last few years, I doubt I ever got more than six hours of sleep and that would have been a good nights rest. My average was probably less than four hours.

Vileman had a bad habit of calling people that I knew (I usually found out later) and I would have to hold back on telling him about any new friends or people I had met. For example years ago when I worked, I found out that my boss was having a fling with another co-worker at work and mentioned it to vileman. He called both of them (I found out months and months later). And there is no telling how many of my friends he called over the years behind my back. It dawned on me recently that he did that to keep me from developing any outside friendships, which would make me depend on him more and make it harder for me to want to leave him . . . there's that fog lifting thing again.

I survived. My children survived.

You might read this and think why did you stay married to him? I had to. It assured me that the children were safe with me in the house. Had we divorced before he got caught, he would have gotten joint custody of the kids. I am at peace that I made the right decision to stay in that marriage and wait it out.

It is sad for my children that he may go to prison, but they don't need a man like him in their life. Nor does the public need another vile person on the streets.

I have more to write about vileman: his psychopath attributes and seeing him for (I hope) the last time. I promise they will not be novella length.


Jill said...

What was he saying to your friends? Was he just talking or was he telling them lies about you so they wouldn't want to be around you? What a creep!

You are like my sister - very high level of intuition - be thankful for that. A lot of women would have brushed it off, but you believed enough in yourself to trust it. That's a lesson for all of us I think.

I didn't laugh at your dream - it's scary how spot-on that dream was. You are so very smart, A. Don't let anyone (especially HIM) ever tell you differently.

I have a new respect for you, seriously.

(((hugz to you sister!)))

jen said...

I'm a big believer in intuition and I think it's a bad sign whenever a person constantly tries to convince you that you can't trust yourself. He was lying to himself and to you.

I'm glad that you and the kids were able to get away and make a clean break. I know you said he was calling and emailing -- I know you're smart enough not to let him draw you into a fight. Hopefully losing his family will be the wakeup call that convinces him to get help for his problems.

Helen said...

I love the dream...it's such a clear crystallization. It's part of your "knowing" without "proof". I am so glad you handled all this the way you did and that you and your kids are safe.

As far as writing about it goes -- I think you SHOULD. I think that it not only helps YOU get it out, get feedback from your friends, etc., but it just may help someone else to trust their intuition and make good decisions like you did.

It's great to read you...and know things are getting better and better... :-)

LG said...

I think Helen is right; the more you write, the better. It's hard to trust your intuition when someone is telling you not to believe in yourself. There are many things that give him the name of Vileman...but it made me sick to think that he was turning people against you; you're just the most wonderful person, funny, smart and kind. But that's how these people operate: isolate and demean. I'm just glad you're out of there and hopefully he'll be in a system where someone watches over him.

Lauren said...

I am glad you and your children are ok. Write whatever you need to.

Patience said...

It sounds like your son was telling the truth about not being touched. Children who have been victimized tend to either act out or withdraw in ways that are not normal for them. Their personality changes.

You're right that it's so sad for them to see their father going to prison, but it would be worse for them to believe that the things he has done are okay and normal!

You're growing a lot! Every day!

Laura N said...

So glad you posted. Don't promise not to write long posts--you write whatever you need to write. We are your friends & support you & want to be here for you!

What you went through is astonishing, & I mean that in the way of it's amazing that you had the strength to survive all the years you knew but couldn't prove anything. It's a wonder, A, that you came through as intact as you did. You are made of strong stuff, woman.

I often don't feel like I have very good intuition. The one time I think that God was helping me on this was when Luke had bruises on his bottom that were unexplainable. He was 2 1/2, & very verbal. When I asked him about them he said "Ginger hit me." (Ginger was his day care lady.) Luke is not the kind of kid to make things up, & he gave the same story every time I asked him about it (& I never prompted him on what to say). I believed him, even though he was so little. I discovered them on a Thursday, asked Ginger about them Friday morning (before I asked Luke) & didn't like her response (which was to totally blow me off, "I haven't see them, I don't know how they got there"), and talked with Luke on Friday night. Over the weekend I talked with Wise Friends & got him a new day care & felt right in my soul about pulling him without notice. I called Ginger on Monday & told her that he wouldn't be back & why. She was shocked. Then she proceeded to say that he's only 2--two year olds get things confused. THAT RIGHT THERE told me all I needed to know. She was guilty--& whether it was on purpose or just an accidental shove on the potty (which is what I suspect b/c of where they were on his bottome), it didn't matter. I didn't even go pick up his extra diapers & clothes. I couldn't stand to be around her. I'm so glad he got out before he'll have memories of her. He never mentions her, so I think he was too young to form many (or any) memories.

Honi said...

Your posts help you heal.. and to me its brave to say okay this is what happened.. now its over.. and time to move on.. clearing the stuff all out.. helps you move forward.. much luck and strength is coming your way .. although I doubt you need it.. you are doing so wonderful!

Cindy said...

I am glad you are writing more. I understand why you stayed until vileman got caught, so you could protect the kids. He would have gotten joint custody easy before he got caught. I think it is important to share the story as much as you are ready. Thanks and I am so glad you are healing.

sharla said...

Keep writting Girl, it's good to get it out!

Intuition is a gift that you had, and you did everything right.

I am sorry that you had to suffer the abuse-you did not deserve it. And it is never ok.

Love that you are doing well

Sandy said...

I came up on your blog via http://hellysbelly.blogspot.com/. Your story is so touching. You are very brave woman and a very loving mother to have endured all this for your kids. I am so glad to read further that you are able to start over, like a rebirth.

I am in somewhat of a similar situation. Married for 16 yrs, have 2 kids.. The vileman in my life has been cheating, lying and what not for past 5 years. But as you mentioned in ur comment - I, too am tolerating all as "..It assured me that the children were safe with me in the house..."

Please share how you managed through those tough years? Did you ever feel that there was a light at the end of the tunnel?

Once again, I enjoy reading ur blog, and please continue to write.