Monday, June 22, 2009

Welcome to Oz!

Maybe a better title would be First Comes Denial then (if you are lucky) Comprehension.

Do you think the Scarecrow and the Tinman were sociopaths?

Switching movie genres, do you remember that scene in the movie Sixth Sense where Bruce Willis realizes the little boy can see dead people and Bruce's character quickly goes through all the past events and realizes that he (Bruce) ***spoiler alert*** . . . . is . . . (gulp) . . . dead?

That is exactly what happened to me after I finished reading the book "Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us" and realized that vileman fit most of the characteristics to a T.*

All of vileman's questionable behaviors through the years, played out in fast motion in my brain . . . and I finally knew what he was.

To back up a bit, over the course of the first month in counseling, the Healer begin to refer to vileman as anti-social. Then it was suggested, gently, that he exhibited sociopath/psychopath characteristics based on some of the events I told her about. I never could grasp that he was a psychopath/sociopath. I didn't want to believe that someone I was with for 13 years could have no remorse and be heartless. Also, I was thinking more on the lines of him being a sick ped-0 -vile. Seems I hit the jackpot - I got the psycho ped-o-vile.

The Healer recommended I read the above mentioned book and after leaving her office that morning, I headed to B&N to purchase the book. I didn't read it right away because I was still in that denial phase but after two weeks, I finally picked it up.

I was mesmerized and quickly found a highlighter to underline passages. At the next counseling session, I brought my highlighted copy of the book and sat down on the Healer's couch. The first words out of my mouth were "I should have known."

She assured me that when it is in your face all the time, you can't see it, as in "you can't see the trees for the forest."

The Healer went over all the characteristics highlighted in the book, then I would give an example. I won't bore you with the characteristics but instead, will tell you about an event that occurred early on in our relationship. After reading this you are going to think "girl, you are stupid"!

I had a very high tolerance of putting up with his behavior. He could do something so rude or unfeeling, and I would think to myself "what is wrong with him?" For many years, I thought I had settled for someone like him, but the truth is, he chose me.

Once, long ago, I was about six weeks pregnant when I begin to spot. It was on a Saturday morning, so vileman took me to the emergency room. After the doctor examined me, he said I was still pregnant but probably was going to miscarry and needed to go home, relax and get off my feet. When we were leaving the ER, vileman asked me if I wanted to go eat at Olive Garden. I looked at him like he was crazy. Did he not hear the doctor tell me to go home and lie down? When I reminded him and suggested that maybe he could place a to-go order from there he replied in a whiny voice "but then I can't get refills on the salad or get extra breadsticks". (Inside my brain: What is wrong with him!?)

The next morning, I woke up with horrible cramping. I asked vileman to please call my OB/GYN. Instead of acknowledging me, he asked me to give him a B J. (Yep, you read that right.) I remember being shocked and yelling at him that I was having a miscarriage and he wanted me to perform a s** act!?! (Inside my brain: What is wrong with him!?)

Later that night, since I had ruined his weekend - no Olive Garden and no BJ, he decided that he was the true victim and begin crying and boo hooing about the miscarriage as if he were the one experiencing it.

I should have walked out the door and never looked back.

But I didn't.

Girl, you stooooopid!

I didn't, because I probably thought I could fix him. And vileman needed me, so he could mimic my emotions, since he was/is incapable of feeling any.

Unlike the scarecrow and the tinman, you can't fix a sociopath/psychopath. No great wizard can give vileman a conscious and a heart.

And when I finally understood what kind of person I had been dealing with, the light bulb went on. Acceptance of what vileman is and will always be has kept me sane and strong for the last few months . . . as I deal with his wrath toward me via emails and letters. . . my next post will be how I have been dealing with him since we closed on our house in April.

*Vileman has never been personally interviewed and given the Psychopath Checklist by a forensic psychiatrist. I just choose to believe he is one.


Saffa Chick said...

13 years of that?! Geez. You deserve a medal or... something ;-)

That goodness you're out. And the healing process sounds well underway.

Be kind to yourself. Call it a lesson learned...

Vickie said...

Once they set their sights on you - it is really hard to get away.

Do you think your kids have good radar because of him?

We talk about lessons at my house that are so good that they impact more than one child at a time - my father is like that.

He was 'enough' so that I SEE and my kids (who have never even met him) SEE.

Vickie said...

And VERY good job writing. I think that you got it down well enough so that people that have never been exposed - will understand.

Debbi said...

You and your children are very fortunate to have escaped when you did. And you, my dear, are doing a wonderful job of taking care of yourself. Stupid? I don't think so. We don't always know the why of an event when it's happening – sometimes we never know. But I suspect you were meant to learn how strong and capable you are and always have been.

Jill said... Like you said, he chose you, so there's probably not a lot you could have done. If you had tried to leave, I'm sure he would have pulled something out of his bag of tricks to make you stay. You are not stupid, you are incredibly smart and brave.

Ped-o-vile - I would laugh at that if it weren't so true! Very appropriate nickname.

It must be reassuring to know that the self doubts you must have had were unfounded. It was all him, baby - all the crazy was his and his alone!

Patience said...

You're right! You can't see that stuff when you're in the middle of it! It's only when you step out of the forest and look back that you can see it!

You're healing, my friend!!

Helly said...

Can I just say how SO SO SO SOOOOO happy I am that what happened last year happened? THAT was the beginning of your really being able to see and get back to LIVING. You are doing phenomenally...and he just SUCKS. I am so happy you are free. :-)

Helen said...

P.S. That was me, Helen. Didn't sign in right... ;-)

Anne M. said...

What Helen said. If Vileman hadn't been caught last year, you wouldn't have escaped and found clarity and amazing strength. I'm very proud of your for enduring it all and gettng the you and the kids out.

I had a former BF who completely snowed me with who he really was. When I had some counseling after, it became crystal clear that he was a sociopath. Somehow knowing there was a name for it, and that it was about HIM and HIS problems and not me at all, was a help in healing.

Laura N said...

Hey girl. You are just doing an amazing job of working through all this. Great job writing about your experience. If you have even an itch of desire, you might think about keeping your writing for a book someday. Not now. Not soon. Someday. Your writing is certainly worthy & your story compelling. & hell, writing a bestseller would be the ultimate revenge, wouldn't it?

Great job on getting back to basics & taking care of yourself.