Thursday, June 25, 2009

Fleeing the Bastille Anniversary

Oh what a difference a year makes. I wish you could see and compare my old drivers license picture with my new one that I got last week.

It's all in the eyes.

Last year on the 26th of June, I sat at my parents' dining table not knowing what the future would look like for us. All I could think of was the worse case scenarios - having to foreclose on my house, losing everything, filing for bankruptcy and the fear of heinous things vileman may have done prior to being caught.

The last six months of 2008 were so uncertain, but by December I was feeling pretty darn good. The first of that month, I went back to the old place to pack up some toys for the kids and to sign some paperwork at my lawyer's office. His paralegal was shocked when I gave her my drivers license (the old one) for her to write down my DL number in her notary book. She gasped and said I looked nothing like that lady in the picture. I joked and said that yes, I had definitely aged over the last six months and she insisted that wasn't it, that the picture depicts a very sad woman.

That old photo just screams "help me".

The paralegal wasn't the only one that day to notice. Prior to heading to the lawyer' office, I stopped at my swimming buddy's house to drop off the entire "Left Behind" book series, where her 12 year old son looked at me and said "you look different."

I guess I was wearing a new attitude.

2009 has been the year of transition . . . it started off perfect with the divorce finalized on January 6th, the selling of the house in April and (keeps fingers crossed) this fall, I hope to find a job and return to work after 6 years of being a stay-at-home mom.

Those first few weeks last June, I slept with a large, heavy, lucite award given to my dad in 2000. What little sleep I got, you could bet my fingers were tightly grasped on that odd security blanket/protection. I kept my fears to myself, but the boy voiced them out loud - "I'm scared he is going to come and kill you because you didn't bail him out of jail". That is so sad, yet he knew, at age 11 (at that time), that vileman might be capable of violence.

I believe the book "The Sociopath Next Door" says one in 25 people are a sociopath and suggests the best way to avoid one that was previously in your life, is to ignore them. The author counsels not to try and spar with them because you cannot reason with a sociopath.

On April 6th, when we closed on our house, the realtor asked me if I needed to be in a separate room from vileman. I assured her I would be okay and I sat next to him. I was very civil and made small talk with our realtor and on occasion with vileman. At one point he had to excuse himself from the table because he had started crying. I chose to ignore his tears. Afterwards when I was getting in my car, he pulled me toward him for a very uncomfortable, awkward and unwanted hug.

I used a pay-as-you go cell phone when I lived there. It was the best plan for me at that time because I never talked on my cell phone and only kept it for emergencies. I kept it going when I moved up here because my lawyer and realtor lived there and they wouldn't have to phone me long distance because my number was a local number for them. On the evening of April 7th, that cell phone rang and it was vileman. Just as casual as could be, he reminded me that "Rescue Me" was coming on that night. What the heck? The man had caused my family agonizing pain and he was calling me like nothing had happened. I said thank you and hung up.
The phone was immediately turned off and it will never be turned back on.
There was no reason to ever have contact with him after the house was sold and his wages were garnished for child support and paid through that system. Time to implement the ignoring him strategy.
I used to get 5 emails along with two typed letters via certified delivery every week. He also includes letters to the kids which I will never give to them. No contact means no contact. He provokes me in the letters, but I know it is just an attempt to get a reaction from me. Since ignoring him, the emails are showing up only once a week and the mailed letters have almost stopped (though I did receive one late last week).
The best way to deal with vileman's actions, is to remind myself that he feels no shame, no remorse, no love. He is a robot.
The emails and letters he sends I read with my eyes wide open, telling myself he is a psychopath/sociopath ped-o-vile. I'm like an English teacher grading a student's paper. I take out my red pen and break down the letters, circling key phrases and writing out beside them what his intent really is.
Right now he is accusing me of alienating my children from him. He will cite that he was their primary caretaker (what!) and that they are being deprived a loving father. (A loving father who left his family penniless for 45 days and when he found a new job making $120,000/year, refused to pay child support for four months so that he could, instead, pay for his criminal lawyer.)
What I'm doing is called protecting. And I have the power of a divorce decree which outlines that he has no access or possession to those sweet babies.
Speaking of those sweet babies, they are doing beautifully. The boy even mentioned how relaxed his baseball games were without vileman coaching him from the bleachers through out the entire game.
Who knew losing 185 pounds of vileness would feel and look so good.


Helen said...

I am so happy that your DL photo shows the new happier you! I think you win the prize for best 185 pound weight loss ever! :-)

Hanlie said...

I'm glad you are doing so well! You sound so much better...

Jill said...

Hallelujah sister!! Good gravy, do you even get how awesome you are???

This year, "Independence Day" will have new meaning for you, huh?! :)

Vickie said...

It is so hard to believe that it has been a full year in some ways - and in others it seems like much more than a year.

Glad you are writing more - and as I have said - they do not all have to be profound. We love when you share the hard stuff - but please realize that we love the day to day stuff too. Whatever you write - we are excited to hear from you.

Patience said...

I'm glad you & your family are doing so well! You really are healing!

My ex-husband would send me letters while we were separated. He wanted us to get back together, so he'd write these love letters. I opened a couple of them, and they disturbed me so much that I soon began to just toss them in the trash unopened. He asked me about them one day, asked if I was getting them. I told him that, yes, I was getting them, but I had no desire to read any of them and was simply throwing them in the trash, unsealed. I never got any more letters after that.

LG said...

It is hard to believe it's been a year. And I agree with Helen; it's a great 185 lb weight loss.

I'm glad the book helped you. I think with time, he will stop writing at all. You're right; it's just to provoke you. I'm so glad you're doing well and I'm proud of you.

Lora said...

Happy Anniversary on the first year of your new life! You have come so far! What a strong woman!

Anonymous said...

Happy Anniversary, I am so happy you are doing well. You are a survivor and we are proud of you!

Honib1 said...

all i can say is YAY!!

Cindy...154 said...

Happy anniversary. You have come a long way and I am so glad you are writing about it. I feel like crying reading this. The no contact is the best way. The weed still contacts me from time to time. Last time he said he was driving by my house (I live on a dead end street) and wanted to come up to the door. I told him I was seeing someone and that it was not a good idea. Not true really about seeing someone but it was the best way to deter him. I did not recognize the number when it came up on my phone otherwise I would not have answered. He knew his old number was blocked. I told him I had to go. He called like nothing ever happened..just like you said. that's what they do. I wonder if its because to them nothing happened..they are in denial or something. who knows, we just have to ignore them and move on. I am so happy for you and your kids.

Scale Junkie said...

Its been a long year but its only going to get better from here. Do yourself a favor, stop reading those emails, in fact, just get a new email address and leave that one behind. Gmail is great like that.

Vickie said...

(getting tired of seeing the word BASTILLE every time I click over) - it is July now - time for a few new posts - what are you and the kids up to???

Laura N said...

Good to read you are doing so well & you are not letting him get to you. Hope your summer is busy & happy! Let us know how things are going.