So, you ask for "the details" . . .

"Take one slimy, greasy, slick criminal defense lawyer and one sociopathic ped-o-vile . . . between the two of them, there probably isn't much of a heart, maybe only a little bit of aorta." - Doc Manette

Anyway, the DA called me the week before vileman's trial to inform me that vileman was going to plead guilty in exchange for three years and I wouldn't have to testify.

A few days before his plea jail time hearing, I heard from the lovely lady (the lady who showed up with vileman's records at my temporary order hearing and the divorce hearing) letting me know that the nice man (the detective) wanted to talk to me.

I had a nice conversation with the detective. He said vileman's lawyer had a "heart to heart" talk (See first paragraph of this post) with the vileman about plea bargaining instead of going to trial, because the case was "airtight" and if he went to trial, he would probably end up doing the maximum of 10 years. (Sorry, very, very long sentence.) The detective seemed very pleased that vileman was going away for awhile.

Vileman must have had second thoughts about going to jail, because he showed up almost two hours late for his hearing.

***

With vileman out of the way, I was able to join facebook as . . . me!

Sand Through the Hourglass . . .

Time is running out for the vile one.

Soon, I shall close the last chapter of this horror book.

I'll keep you posted as it might still be delayed by a few weeks.

Time to Soar

Seeing how we are now in the good tidings and merry season, I shall not try to grumble and moan too loudly about everything that has gone so wrong the past three weeks. I need to keep on keeping on but I have to wonder what the tipping point is?

Is there a DNA component that has a person hitting bottom and rising out of the ashes like the phoenix? Or is there a component that makes a person throw up their hands and look up at the sky declaring defeat?

I hope, hope, hope, I have the phoenix DNA.

At my last job, over 6 1/2 years ago, I worked with a woman who had a black doom cloud hanging over her head. Trouble just seemed to follow her. I have been thinking about her a lot lately, wondering if she ever had any potential and just gave up on striving for things she wanted to achieve by giving in to the ultimate sin of "settling".

Was she once a vibrant, thin, good natured woman? Did life beat her down so much that she put on 60 pounds, took up smoking, settled for a low-wage job where she wore the same stinky sweater with pockets (to hold the cigarettes) everyday? Did she give up on her children and fail to help progress them along? What happened to her?

I hope, hope, hope, I don't become just like her.

***

Think of all my blessings . . .

13 and 6 mean everything to me. Everything I have done has been in the best interest of them. That includes not going back to work right away (this is a very sore subject with a male figure in my family.) As Vickie likes to say "should of, could of, would of". I don't want to regret being home for them during a very difficult time in their life.

I had a flat tire three weeks ago. I was at the country town library where the out of school suspension kids flock to after their class is over (ironic, I know.) As I walked to my car, a young delinquent pointed out that I had a flat. He offered to fix it . . . . for money. I told him thank you and that I had no money on me so I would fix it myself.

One of the other gang members shook his head and told me he would fix it for me, because he said "my mom could be in the same predicament as you and I hope someone helps her." It took the gang one hour to break my jack and change the tire. But I was happy they helped me and offered to write their probation officers and a judge a nice letter.

The 13 year old and I are going to practice changing the tire so that he and I both can learn. But first, I'm going to buy a better jack.

***

Last month the healer sent a huge package to the ADA's office. It included all correspondence from vileman that he has written to me and the kids plus all emails he sends (his bond restrictions are supposed to keep him off the Internet except for job hunting purposes.) After the ADA received the package, she called the healer to report that "if it were true, (duh!?! they had all the evidence) then he was in violation of his bond restrictions".

Nothing ever came of it. Which leaves me to believe that (1) they think it is domestic or (2) they are going to present it during his trial and probably subpoena me to testify. Grrr. Or (3) they know his trial is coming up at the end of December and maybe the info they have will keep him from getting another continuance.

I'm losing my faith in the judicial system.

***

I haven't been able to comment or post because (very embarrassing) I could not remember my password to this account. Ahem. And like the smart cookie that I am, the email address where they send the password info should you forget, required that password that I couldn't remember.

It finally came to me after days and days of trying . . . and I now feel quite merry.

The Sponge Cannot Absorb Anything Else

I am saturated.

And ready to implode!

Time for relaxation techniques to kick in . . . and implemented immediately.

I haven't heard any feedback regarding vileman's liberal use of the internet and other no no's.

***

Must. Think. Of. Something. Positive.

****

I have maintained an 11 pound weight loss for the last few weeks, though I haven't been cracking the whip.

*****

Vileman's trial has been reset to the week after Christmas. He is at the very top of the list and I know that the prosecutor assigned (he has bounced all over the ADA staff) just wrapped up a very high profile murder case.

I might be writing a very long letter to Santa Claus regarding adding someone to his naughty list.

Problem Will Be Solved (Keeps fingers crossed . . .)

Thank you all so much for your support and comments regarding you know what.

I believe the problem will be handled by the end of the week and I will keep you informed . . .

until then, I edited my last post, so as not to tip someone off should someone happen to find this blog. I hid the comments for the time being also.

I will write more once I know more.

Thanks again for all your support! I so, so, appreciate it.

My Life in the Left Hand Turn Lane

It always seems like I am turning left, whether taking the kids to school or returning home, or running errands.

Weird.

***
The girl (6) went back to school today after missing most of last week (she went to school on Wednesday but said she felt horrible and when I picked her up after school she had a temperature of 103.8). She has missed a total of eight days already this year and I suspect today, I will get the computer generated letter telling me she has excessive absences and if she misses seven more days she will not be eligible to pass first grade.

Grrr.

I understand that the school district legally has to notify you that your child is frequently absent and passing school might be jeopardized, but . . . since school started, the nation has had a very early flu season with two flu(s) floating around!

Six ran a fever for eight straight days . . . starting on Thursday and ending the next Friday. A child could easily miss 5 to 7 days of school for each case of flu (seasonal and H1N1)! I think over 15 absent days is the cut-off, so two bouts of flu and your out!

Grrr.

And the school does not want you to send your child to school sick.

The first three days six missed happened the third week of school and I think she might have had a mild case of the H1N1 flu - fever, body aches and diarrhea. Turns out that week, she was NOT the only one home ill. The absence rate was way high compared to last year at that time.

I'm not worried about six not passing first grade because of illness/absences. She is smart. ***We interrupt this old lady rant to insert some proud parental bragging rights*** At the beginning of the school year, the teacher tested all the kids on reading and math skills -Six got a perfect score on word recognition, something the teacher in 17 years of teaching had never seen before. And six already reads the wpm required of first graders to pass to second grade. ***End of bragging.***

What I am worried about is the necessity to change the rules this school season due to the already high absences related to the two flu(s). And the flu season has just begun. Parents should be able to keep their kids home to recover and not feel pressure to get them back in school based on the absence rate. (I understand this is very hard on working parents too, because it's tough to ask off work all week or longer to care for an ill child.)

****

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Cracking the fat hasn't been as fat cracking as I thought it would be BUT, I haven't been exercising, either. I'm starting the 7 week cycle back over this week (as you are supposed to if you need to lose additional weight) but not going to redo the carb-deplete week - just starting back at week 2.

The other day I noticed in the garage, that my dad had his old exercise bike still around. I can promise you, my dad hasn't exercised on it since 1990. When 12 was a baby, I borrowed it for a couple of years and actually had some success with weight loss when I alternated between the bike and aerobics (this was before I bought a treadmill). The bike looked like it was still in pretty good shape. . . probably because it had about the same mileage that Grandma put on her car, which she only drove to church on Sunday morning. ***Insert rant***My parents do not throw anything away. They are not hoarders like extreme hoarders but they sure hold on to things they don't use or haven't used in years. For instance, they moved here from Tulsa in 2005. You would think that the rusty, 37 year old tandem bike that my older sister and I rode for fun when we were in 7th and 3rd grade would have been given to the junk yard instead of paying to have a moving company haul it here, where it sits in my dad's workshop . . . along with the 1957 Chevy he has had for years and "is gonna fix up". ***End of rant***

Sorry, it's amazing that I have no sentimental emotions toward objects and pretty much left behind years of stuff from the old life. It all can be replaced.

Anyway, the exercise bike has been pulled out, cleaned-up and put away in the shop for easy access. Now that the weather is a wee bit crisp (gosh I love, love, love! autumn) I got no more excuses . . . time to get out and walk and use the exercise bike.

The kids and I watch TBL on Saturday nights on Bravo and 6 asked me if I wanted her to be my personal trainer. She showed me a bunch of exercises she does in PE class. How sweet is that?

****

I spoke with Lori the other day and she said something that Det. Colombo hadn't thought of . . .she says it sounds like vileman is on the run . . . yikes!

If he is on the run, he won't be bothering us.

Still won't be letting my guard down.

Channeling Det. Colombo in a Minivan

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

- Sun tzu

Yesterday, I sat around and spent a little time thinking of scenarios of why vileman lost his job. I used the old strategy "if that happened then this would happen" and came up with an answer that I'm willing to accept.

After vileman got that job last year, my dad looked up their website and printed out the job application. We were shocked anyone would hire him with an indictment hanging over his head. But, the application never asked have you ever been indicted? Instead it asked "have you ever been convicted of a felony". Since vileman hasn't been convicted yet, he didn't lie on his application. So, I'm thinking that maybe the company didn't want a possible lawsuit against them for firing an "alleged" s*x off*nd*r. (Sorry for the weird spellings . . . don't want any google drop ins to this sight.)

Also, if someone tipped off his boss about the indictment and that is why he was terminated, then vileman would have blamed me, or someone in my family. He would have been angry enough to call my parents residence or emailed his wrath. (My family would have never told his company about him because my children benefited from that job: great health care insurance and child support.)

Vileman didn't tell his family. If he was terminated because of his indictment, he would have been indignant, outraged and defensive and would want to blame someone and let someone(s) hear him, so I pretty sure he would have told his family.

Maybe he quit to work somewhere else? Nope - he would have contacted his family if he had quit that job to take a better job.

He could have done something illegal and got arrested. But, I think his arrest would have gotten back to the first arresting detective and he would have notified me.

Though vileman's previous company didn't monitor his email/web searches or history, I would think he might be a little more discreet and not use his business computer for illicit downloads. I know his bond restrictions dictate that he has to report to a community supervisor. He has the right to check his work computer (vileman wasn't allowed to have a personal computer) and load monitoring software on it if he thought necessary. Since vileman has not sought any treatment, maybe the urges made him careless. This is my first best guess at what might have happened.

Through the process of elimination, my second guess is going to be he broke a company rule. (I don't know if I ever mentioned that on the day vileman got arrested, he borrowed a company vehicle to drive to the scene of the crime where he was arrested. When the detectives asked me if he always drove the blue Ford? I looked shocked and told the detectives that wasn't his car. They all three shook there heads and decided it was a company car. I laughed when they said that and made a comment something along the lines of "what a dumb ass" and we all shared a good belly laugh).

Maybe he got caught taking kickbacks as he was in purchasing.

Whatever it was, he was too embarrassed to let anyone in his family know he had been terminated.

***

With no fancy title and power, comes the loss of those perks to keep you busy and not thinking about doing time. And when you travel to the New Orleans office as often as he did, the lifestyle of going to Hornets and Saints games plus home town's teams, well you end up with a lot of free time on your hands.

Vileman would probably (and I know I'm right about his) cry on whomever's shoulder about missing his kids but he kept busy with things that vile would find fun. We have never seen any sign that he has spied on us or followed us since moving here.

But that was before he lost his job.

He stayed at the same hotel chain when he traveled to the other office and I know he has many many hotel points for free nights. Country town has that hotel, so yesterday before picking the kids up from school, I drove by and checked the parking lot for his car. I'm going to do it everyday until I know he has been put away or hear something about where he is.

I have a list and phone numbers of his former friends from Oklahoma. Since a lot of them own their own small businesses, I suspect he will be notifying them for job leads.

His silence is deafening!

And very scary.

Not paralyzing scary.

****

Ironically or good timing, last Friday, 6 saw the healer to discuss not going with vileman should he show up at her school or see him(we did not know about his job loss at this time). The healer worked with her for almost 1 1/2 hours and I know she gets it.

I don't worry as much for 12, because he knows and promises me he will seek adult help if vileman should ever approach him.

When the walls start to close in . . .

Yesterday morning, after dropping the kids off at school, I had a nagging feeling something wasn't right with two recent emails I had received, one from vileman on Wednesday afternoon and another email from his sister, sent on that same evening. Because his sister sent her email to me at my old life's email address, (which I only check periodically), I didn't get her email until late Sunday night.

As you know, I am going on six months of not communicating with vileman. He sends an email and a certified letter/package every two weeks.

Which I just make copies, file away and ignore.

There is usually a threatening and demanding undertone to his words as in "I will not hesitate to take you to court" or "I demand that you reply to this email and let me know you received . . .." and my favorite bluff "you need to read the divorce decree as you are not complying by it".

His birthday was last Tuesday and I was expecting the email telling me how mean I am for not allowing the kids to send him a card or calling him. (The divorce decree says no contact with the children.)

Instead, his email said he wanted me to know that he sent two extra months of child support to the childsupport distribution center and that I should be on the lookout for it.

No threats, no demands, no calling me "mean".

His sister's email basically said "sorry to bother you but I'm worried sick about vileman because we haven't been able to reach him. He dosen't answer his cell phone or his emails."

Don't worry, he isn't dead . . . not that you would be worried . . .

He lost his job.

And I suspected it on Monday morning. I told my dad my suspicions about him losing his job. Pop disagreed with me and said he wasn't incompetent. So I pointed out the red flags:

#1 - His family was not able to get hold of him on his cell nor was he answering his emails. Vile had a company owned blackberry. If he had been terminated, he would have had to hand it in along with the company's laptop.

#2 - Why would he give extra child support?

Got the answer several hours later, when the mail came. The company he was employed with notified me by letter, that vile was no longer an employee. (They had to notify me because his wages were garnished to pay child support.)

I got a little pleasure out of telling my dad that my gut instinct was RIGHT.

He lost his job on the 18th. So I'm now wondering "why?"

Did the rumor mill finally catch up with him about his indictment? (Vickie, he was indicted last August and has been awaiting trial since then.)

Or did he revert to old habits and the company caught him misusing company property?

Why hasn't he sent a letter himself, telling me he was no longer employed and that the children will be losing their health /dental benefits?

Don't worry, I have kept a high deductible health insurance plan on the kids and myself since June 27th, 2008, so we are covered. Also, I have enough savings (unless something horrible happens) to get us by for almost six months.

Sorry to go on with boring details.

How are the walls closing in on him . . . well, now he doesn't have that high income to continue to pay the criminal lawyer for anything above and beyond what the original fees would cover. I can pretty much guess the days of "continued by agreement" will come to an end.

I also heard through a friend last year, that vileman found that position (director of a department) through someone at his church who recommended him. ***Insert back story****When vile got caught cheating on me in 2001 and I divorced him, he immediately ran to the church and put on a big display of going to Sunday school and joining men's groups. He would do testimonies at other churches about how he strayed and would never do that do his family again, blah blah blah***End of back story***

In the three years we lived in old life's town before I fled with the kids, we never set food in a church.

Guess what vile did after he got out of jail?

That's right. He ran to Sunday school.

What I'm trying to write (very poorly at that) is I bet his church circle has found out . . . and I know I wouldn't want to sit by a ped-o-vile.

And if his church circle has found out, then the roommate that he lives with (another divorced man that he met at church) will find out . . . and so on and so on. Maybe I should have titled this the domino effect.

Basically, his support system will begin to get smaller and smaller.

And that will drive him nuts . . . which will not be good for me or the children.

So we are now on high alert - the kids can't play outside unless someone is with them (me, my mother or father). Instead of leaving the girl at dance class, I will now need to stay at the studio.

I wouldn't turn my back on a snake and he is a slimy, venomous snake.

By the way, that is only the second time someone from his family has tried to contact me since vile's arrest. Remember his mother called on Feb. 15th for the first time asking to speak to "her grandchildren"? His sister never even asked how the kids were doing, it was all about her being worried about her brother.

I find it funny that his family of six siblings and a mom and dad, let vile sit in a jail for 8 days and never bailed him out. I would have been more worried sick about him being in jail as a ped-o-vile and at the mercy of the other inmates, but . . . that family is weird.

Okay, I have now written this shit out and need to go back to concentrating on job hunting. I'm hoping that getting it out here will free it from my mind, at least temporarily.

Perusing the Classifieds

I am . . . for really really really real, looking for employment.

Gasp!

Noticed I said employment and not career.

It's going to be tough. (I know we are supposed to be coming out of the recession but funny how unemployment is way up.)

For fits and giggles, I applied on line for a warehouse packer position at a large store's distribution center. The location was very close to home and they were looking for weekend workers to work three 12 hour days. That would have freed me up for four days of still being a stay-at-home mom and the pay was a lot better than minimum wage. The ad in the paper said would need to be able to lift 30 pounds.

I could do that!

The on-line application asked a lot of questions about different warehouse equipment and how much experience you had on them. Since the majority of my 20 years work experience has been white collar professional . . . well, needless to say, I have no experience running a fork lift (seated or standing) or packing machine.

I got my "dear john" email three days later.

That job would not have paid all the bills (should the child-support stop) but it had nice benefits.
I guess they were not looking for a middle aged, female with a bachelors of science degree in sociology.

Luckily, I have lots of experience in different things, so I'm not too limited. Just a wee bit nervous about the six year gap of no work, while staying at home.

I don't want them to think I was put away in the "big house" during that time.

****

Speaking of the "big house", vileman's trial has been continued by agreement (once again!) and he is now on the October docket.

I'm thinking his time is running out and the trial will probably happen before the end of the year.

The Gray Area

Today I programed the DVR to record the Dr. Oz show. (We are a day behind because of the tennis match last Tuesday).

It's supposed to be about the effects of stress on a woman's body.

I'm almost afraid to watch.

Waiting for someone to go to trial is very stressful.

Not knowing when vileman will go to trial or what the outcome will be is so stressful.

Lately, my mind has been in overdrive thanks to way too many Law and Order episodes. (L&O: Criminal Intent is my favorite.)

In my biased mind, I think how the trial will play out. I imagine scenarios and think of comebacks for the prosecuting attorney.

For instance, vileman pled the 5th to every horrific question my attorney asked him at our temporary order hearing. So, I think "hmm, I wonder if they can use the transcripts from that hearing in his criminal trial?" If so, how would the ADA know about it?

I had a few things that I thought vileman's community service supervisor should know about, but I'll spare you the details.

So, I called the detective who arrested vileman and told him my thoughts. He was patient with me and understood my position, but it seems I would just look like a revengeful ex-wife. Not a mother trying to protect her children from vileman.

Grrr.

Last week, 6 was home sick with a viral bug and while she was watching cartoons, I picked up one of my dad's cow magazines. It's focus was on stressed calves (moo moo calves) and how the stress when they are taken from their momma's for weaning prior to being sold, affects them negatively.

Apparently, these stressed out calves get sick because of the high cortisol levels that the stress produces.

It made me think about my situation and the disservice I am doing to my body.

Anyways, I will be very interested in watching the Dr. Oz show when I get back from picking the kids up from school.

*********

I'm still up 1.8 pounds - thanks to the Lady cycle week - I sort of deviated from the plan by having three carb-up days and four base-line days that week. My carb-up days were very tame, (as in high fiber cereal for dinner) so no need to beat myself up. The lesson learned is: when I feel lady cycle coming on, I need to immediately switch to carb down day and stay there until the week passes to keep the carb cravings at bay.

This week I started on the accelerated fat cycle.

********

Edited on 9/24/09: I'm finally back down this morning (had been up late last week to 2.8 pounds but by Sunday had lost 1 pound and had a 1.8 gain of water retention left) . . . weight loss to date 10.2 pounds - wished it was faster but I don't feel deprived and that is probably going to help with continuing on.

Fleeing the Bastille Anniversary

Oh what a difference a year makes. I wish you could see and compare my old drivers license picture with my new one that I got last week.

It's all in the eyes.

Last year on the 26th of June, I sat at my parents' dining table not knowing what the future would look like for us. All I could think of was the worse case scenarios - having to foreclose on my house, losing everything, filing for bankruptcy and the fear of heinous things vileman may have done prior to being caught.

The last six months of 2008 were so uncertain, but by December I was feeling pretty darn good. The first of that month, I went back to the old place to pack up some toys for the kids and to sign some paperwork at my lawyer's office. His paralegal was shocked when I gave her my drivers license (the old one) for her to write down my DL number in her notary book. She gasped and said I looked nothing like that lady in the picture. I joked and said that yes, I had definitely aged over the last six months and she insisted that wasn't it, that the picture depicts a very sad woman.

That old photo just screams "help me".

The paralegal wasn't the only one that day to notice. Prior to heading to the lawyer' office, I stopped at my swimming buddy's house to drop off the entire "Left Behind" book series, where her 12 year old son looked at me and said "you look different."

I guess I was wearing a new attitude.

2009 has been the year of transition . . . it started off perfect with the divorce finalized on January 6th, the selling of the house in April and (keeps fingers crossed) this fall, I hope to find a job and return to work after 6 years of being a stay-at-home mom.

Those first few weeks last June, I slept with a large, heavy, lucite award given to my dad in 2000. What little sleep I got, you could bet my fingers were tightly grasped on that odd security blanket/protection. I kept my fears to myself, but the boy voiced them out loud - "I'm scared he is going to come and kill you because you didn't bail him out of jail". That is so sad, yet he knew, at age 11 (at that time), that vileman might be capable of violence.

I believe the book "The Sociopath Next Door" says one in 25 people are a sociopath and suggests the best way to avoid one that was previously in your life, is to ignore them. The author counsels not to try and spar with them because you cannot reason with a sociopath.

On April 6th, when we closed on our house, the realtor asked me if I needed to be in a separate room from vileman. I assured her I would be okay and I sat next to him. I was very civil and made small talk with our realtor and on occasion with vileman. At one point he had to excuse himself from the table because he had started crying. I chose to ignore his tears. Afterwards when I was getting in my car, he pulled me toward him for a very uncomfortable, awkward and unwanted hug.

I used a pay-as-you go cell phone when I lived there. It was the best plan for me at that time because I never talked on my cell phone and only kept it for emergencies. I kept it going when I moved up here because my lawyer and realtor lived there and they wouldn't have to phone me long distance because my number was a local number for them. On the evening of April 7th, that cell phone rang and it was vileman. Just as casual as could be, he reminded me that "Rescue Me" was coming on that night. What the heck? The man had caused my family agonizing pain and he was calling me like nothing had happened. I said thank you and hung up.

The phone was immediately turned off and it will never be turned back on.

There was no reason to ever have contact with him after the house was sold and his wages were garnished for child support and paid through that system. Time to implement the ignoring him strategy.

I used to get 5 emails along with two typed letters via certified delivery every week. He also includes letters to the kids which I will never give to them. No contact means no contact. He provokes me in the letters, but I know it is just an attempt to get a reaction from me. Since ignoring him, the emails are showing up only once a week and the mailed letters have almost stopped (though I did receive one late last week).

The best way to deal with vileman's actions, is to remind myself that he feels no shame, no remorse, no love. He is a robot.

The emails and letters he sends I read with my eyes wide open, telling myself he is a psychopath/sociopath ped-o-vile. I'm like an English teacher grading a student's paper. I take out my red pen and break down the letters, circling key phrases and writing out beside them what his intent really is.

Right now he is accusing me of alienating my children from him. He will cite that he was their primary caretaker (what!) and that they are being deprived a loving father. (A loving father who left his family penniless for 45 days and when he found a new job making $120,000/year, refused to pay child support for four months so that he could, instead, pay for his criminal lawyer.)

What I'm doing is called protecting. And I have the power of a divorce decree which outlines that he has no access or possession to those sweet babies.

Speaking of those sweet babies, they are doing beautifully. The boy even mentioned how relaxed his baseball games were without vileman coaching him from the bleachers through out the entire game.

Who knew losing 185 pounds of vileness would feel and look so good.

Welcome to Oz!

Maybe a better title would be First Comes Denial then (if you are lucky) Comprehension.

Do you think the Scarecrow and the Tinman were sociopaths?

Switching movie genres, do you remember that scene in the movie Sixth Sense where Bruce Willis realizes the little boy can see dead people and Bruce's character quickly goes through all the past events and realizes that he (Bruce) ***spoiler alert*** . . . . is . . . (gulp) . . . dead?

That is exactly what happened to me after I finished reading the book "Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us" and realized that vileman fit most of the characteristics to a T.*

All of vileman's questionable behaviors through the years, played out in fast motion in my brain . . . and I finally knew what he was.

To back up a bit, over the course of the first month in counseling, the Healer begin to refer to vileman as anti-social. Then it was suggested, gently, that he exhibited sociopath/psychopath characteristics based on some of the events I told her about. I never could grasp that he was a psychopath/sociopath. I didn't want to believe that someone I was with for 13 years could have no remorse and be heartless. Also, I was thinking more on the lines of him being a sick ped-0 -vile. Seems I hit the jackpot - I got the psycho ped-o-vile.

The Healer recommended I read the above mentioned book and after leaving her office that morning, I headed to B&N to purchase the book. I didn't read it right away because I was still in that denial phase but after two weeks, I finally picked it up.

I was mesmerized and quickly found a highlighter to underline passages. At the next counseling session, I brought my highlighted copy of the book and sat down on the Healer's couch. The first words out of my mouth were "I should have known."

She assured me that when it is in your face all the time, you can't see it, as in "you can't see the trees for the forest."

The Healer went over all the characteristics highlighted in the book, then I would give an example. I won't bore you with the characteristics but instead, will tell you about an event that occurred early on in our relationship. After reading this you are going to think "girl, you are stupid"!

I had a very high tolerance of putting up with his behavior. He could do something so rude or unfeeling, and I would think to myself "what is wrong with him?" For many years, I thought I had settled for someone like him, but the truth is, he chose me.

Once, long ago, I was about six weeks pregnant when I begin to spot. It was on a Saturday morning, so vileman took me to the emergency room. After the doctor examined me, he said I was still pregnant but probably was going to miscarry and needed to go home, relax and get off my feet. When we were leaving the ER, vileman asked me if I wanted to go eat at Olive Garden. I looked at him like he was crazy. Did he not hear the doctor tell me to go home and lie down? When I reminded him and suggested that maybe he could place a to-go order from there he replied in a whiny voice "but then I can't get refills on the salad or get extra breadsticks". (Inside my brain: What is wrong with him!?)

The next morning, I woke up with horrible cramping. I asked vileman to please call my OB/GYN. Instead of acknowledging me, he asked me to give him a B J. (Yep, you read that right.) I remember being shocked and yelling at him that I was having a miscarriage and he wanted me to perform a s** act!?! (Inside my brain: What is wrong with him!?)

Later that night, since I had ruined his weekend - no Olive Garden and no BJ, he decided that he was the true victim and begin crying and boo hooing about the miscarriage as if he were the one experiencing it.

I should have walked out the door and never looked back.

But I didn't.

Girl, you stooooopid!

I didn't, because I probably thought I could fix him. And vileman needed me, so he could mimic my emotions, since he was/is incapable of feeling any.

Unlike the scarecrow and the tinman, you can't fix a sociopath/psychopath. No great wizard can give vileman a conscious and a heart.

And when I finally understood what kind of person I had been dealing with, the light bulb went on. Acceptance of what vileman is and will always be has kept me sane and strong for the last few months . . . as I deal with his wrath toward me via emails and letters. . . my next post will be how I have been dealing with him since we closed on our house in April.


*Vileman has never been personally interviewed and given the Psychopath Checklist by a forensic psychiatrist. I just choose to believe he is one.