2009 Had Such High Hopes . . .

Have you ever had trouble reading the last few chapters of a book because lack of time or exhaustion preventing you from finishing it?.

I sooooo wanted to close the book on vileman by the end of 2009.

Not going to happen.

Now his trial is set for late February 2010.

I wonder how many more victims he violated from the time he got out of jail in July 2008 to present time?

I had such high hopes for 2009 - a divorce the first week of the new year and the house sold in first month of the second quarter. . .

But it seems to be ending with a fizzle . . .

Still no job - I feel so unworthy.

I cut all my hair off - I feel so ugly.

Screeeeeeeech . . .

Best to put on the brakes and not think about things that make me feel like dog doo.

I will find a job in 2010.

My hair will grow out.

When the walls start to close in . . .

Yesterday morning, after dropping the kids off at school, I had a nagging feeling something wasn't right with two recent emails I had received, one from vileman on Wednesday afternoon and another email from his sister, sent on that same evening. Because his sister sent her email to me at my old life's email address, (which I only check periodically), I didn't get her email until late Sunday night.

As you know, I am going on six months of not communicating with vileman. He sends an email and a certified letter/package every two weeks.

Which I just make copies, file away and ignore.

There is usually a threatening and demanding undertone to his words as in "I will not hesitate to take you to court" or "I demand that you reply to this email and let me know you received . . .." and my favorite bluff "you need to read the divorce decree as you are not complying by it".

His birthday was last Tuesday and I was expecting the email telling me how mean I am for not allowing the kids to send him a card or calling him. (The divorce decree says no contact with the children.)

Instead, his email said he wanted me to know that he sent two extra months of child support to the childsupport distribution center and that I should be on the lookout for it.

No threats, no demands, no calling me "mean".

His sister's email basically said "sorry to bother you but I'm worried sick about vileman because we haven't been able to reach him. He dosen't answer his cell phone or his emails."

Don't worry, he isn't dead . . . not that you would be worried . . .

He lost his job.

And I suspected it on Monday morning. I told my dad my suspicions about him losing his job. Pop disagreed with me and said he wasn't incompetent. So I pointed out the red flags:

#1 - His family was not able to get hold of him on his cell nor was he answering his emails. Vile had a company owned blackberry. If he had been terminated, he would have had to hand it in along with the company's laptop.

#2 - Why would he give extra child support?

Got the answer several hours later, when the mail came. The company he was employed with notified me by letter, that vile was no longer an employee. (They had to notify me because his wages were garnished to pay child support.)

I got a little pleasure out of telling my dad that my gut instinct was RIGHT.

He lost his job on the 18th. So I'm now wondering "why?"

Did the rumor mill finally catch up with him about his indictment? (Vickie, he was indicted last August and has been awaiting trial since then.)

Or did he revert to old habits and the company caught him misusing company property?

Why hasn't he sent a letter himself, telling me he was no longer employed and that the children will be losing their health /dental benefits?

Don't worry, I have kept a high deductible health insurance plan on the kids and myself since June 27th, 2008, so we are covered. Also, I have enough savings (unless something horrible happens) to get us by for almost six months.

Sorry to go on with boring details.

How are the walls closing in on him . . . well, now he doesn't have that high income to continue to pay the criminal lawyer for anything above and beyond what the original fees would cover. I can pretty much guess the days of "continued by agreement" will come to an end.

I also heard through a friend last year, that vileman found that position (director of a department) through someone at his church who recommended him. ***Insert back story****When vile got caught cheating on me in 2001 and I divorced him, he immediately ran to the church and put on a big display of going to Sunday school and joining men's groups. He would do testimonies at other churches about how he strayed and would never do that do his family again, blah blah blah***End of back story***

In the three years we lived in old life's town before I fled with the kids, we never set food in a church.

Guess what vile did after he got out of jail?

That's right. He ran to Sunday school.

What I'm trying to write (very poorly at that) is I bet his church circle has found out . . . and I know I wouldn't want to sit by a ped-o-vile.

And if his church circle has found out, then the roommate that he lives with (another divorced man that he met at church) will find out . . . and so on and so on. Maybe I should have titled this the domino effect.

Basically, his support system will begin to get smaller and smaller.

And that will drive him nuts . . . which will not be good for me or the children.

So we are now on high alert - the kids can't play outside unless someone is with them (me, my mother or father). Instead of leaving the girl at dance class, I will now need to stay at the studio.

I wouldn't turn my back on a snake and he is a slimy, venomous snake.

By the way, that is only the second time someone from his family has tried to contact me since vile's arrest. Remember his mother called on Feb. 15th for the first time asking to speak to "her grandchildren"? His sister never even asked how the kids were doing, it was all about her being worried about her brother.

I find it funny that his family of six siblings and a mom and dad, let vile sit in a jail for 8 days and never bailed him out. I would have been more worried sick about him being in jail as a ped-o-vile and at the mercy of the other inmates, but . . . that family is weird.

Okay, I have now written this shit out and need to go back to concentrating on job hunting. I'm hoping that getting it out here will free it from my mind, at least temporarily.

The Gray Area

Today I programed the DVR to record the Dr. Oz show. (We are a day behind because of the tennis match last Tuesday).

It's supposed to be about the effects of stress on a woman's body.

I'm almost afraid to watch.

Waiting for someone to go to trial is very stressful.

Not knowing when vileman will go to trial or what the outcome will be is so stressful.

Lately, my mind has been in overdrive thanks to way too many Law and Order episodes. (L&O: Criminal Intent is my favorite.)

In my biased mind, I think how the trial will play out. I imagine scenarios and think of comebacks for the prosecuting attorney.

For instance, vileman pled the 5th to every horrific question my attorney asked him at our temporary order hearing. So, I think "hmm, I wonder if they can use the transcripts from that hearing in his criminal trial?" If so, how would the ADA know about it?

I had a few things that I thought vileman's community service supervisor should know about, but I'll spare you the details.

So, I called the detective who arrested vileman and told him my thoughts. He was patient with me and understood my position, but it seems I would just look like a revengeful ex-wife. Not a mother trying to protect her children from vileman.

Grrr.

Last week, 6 was home sick with a viral bug and while she was watching cartoons, I picked up one of my dad's cow magazines. It's focus was on stressed calves (moo moo calves) and how the stress when they are taken from their momma's for weaning prior to being sold, affects them negatively.

Apparently, these stressed out calves get sick because of the high cortisol levels that the stress produces.

It made me think about my situation and the disservice I am doing to my body.

Anyways, I will be very interested in watching the Dr. Oz show when I get back from picking the kids up from school.

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I'm still up 1.8 pounds - thanks to the Lady cycle week - I sort of deviated from the plan by having three carb-up days and four base-line days that week. My carb-up days were very tame, (as in high fiber cereal for dinner) so no need to beat myself up. The lesson learned is: when I feel lady cycle coming on, I need to immediately switch to carb down day and stay there until the week passes to keep the carb cravings at bay.

This week I started on the accelerated fat cycle.

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Edited on 9/24/09: I'm finally back down this morning (had been up late last week to 2.8 pounds but by Sunday had lost 1 pound and had a 1.8 gain of water retention left) . . . weight loss to date 10.2 pounds - wished it was faster but I don't feel deprived and that is probably going to help with continuing on.

Just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in

Been very active around here with no relief in sight as this week starts the really,really busy season of after-school sports. Friday is the only day off with no activities other than their school. I can't wait to finally say T.G.I.F!

Early last week, I sunk to a new low when I sparred with vileman via email. You can not reason with a psychopath.

For nine months I would ignore all the emails he would send; gaining strength each time I opened one, read it and walked away without replying. Ignoring his emails and not letting the contents of the email upset me was the true test of control.

Unfortunately, I lost that control and hit the send button on a snarky reply. Though I regret my email, it isn't because I felt guilty about telling vileman what I think of him; I regret that he knows he finally got to me. Aarrgh!

I'm stronger than that! So, I am back to reading, letting it roll off my back and duck waddling away from the computer.

Thanks For Calling

***This is one of those Grrr (and not the good "grr") post. Feel free to ignore.***

Sunday night, I was caught off guard when my dad told me my ex-mother-in-law was on the phone and wanted to speak to her grandchildren.

Just to back up a wee bit, the vileman's parents have never wanted anything to do with me or my children. They had already done "grandparent time" as most of their grandchildren were teenagers and adults by the time my oldest child was born. Vileman comes from a very weird family and if you didn't travel down his mom's birth canal, you were shit to her.

I have spent many occasions being pushed out of family pictures - only vileman, his six siblings and parents were needed. At our first wedding in Las Vegas, there were 32 relatives in attendance and I wanted a picture of all of us. His mother said no, just the "kids" (her kids at that time, ranged in ages from 34 to 48). I asked another out-law (a brother-in-law married to one of the kids) why the spouses couldn't be in the picture and he told me to "get used to it."

It only got weirder as the years past. I could write volumes of atrocities performed by vileman's family.

At this point, I would like to say that just because someone is currently 81 years old and in fine health; she can still be a BITCH. That's right, a full-fledged, all caps BITCH.

Vileman has a dad too but he is spineless.

So Sunday's call was unexpected.

It was unexpected because it was the first time she tried to contact "her grandchildren" since vileman got into trouble.

I had expected a call from her on the day he was arrested. In my weird make-believe everyone is nice way, I had hoped she would call and give some emotional support to the kids and I.

Day after day passed, and no one in his family telephoned to check up on us.

My kids were never close to their parental grandparents and in fact, after the 5 year old was born, no one in his family called or sent a congratulations card and two of his brothers lived in the same town as us at that time.

I was beginning to think they didn't like me. (HA!!!!)


Anyway, Sunday's call . . . I know Grandma 'B' was put up to calling the kids by vileman. Sunday would have been our anniversary (the second time we married) and I suspect he begged his mother into calling the kids to find out what they know.

I wasn't going to allow her to tell the children anything about their father and how much "he loves them". I also suspected vileman was conferenced into the call somehow (paranoia - great destroyer!). He is about 2500 miles away from his parents but I still think you can do a conference call without the third party knowing.

When I got on the phone, I told her that the 12 year old needed his grandparents' support on the day his dad was arrested. . . not eight months later.

The 12 year old wrote them off a long time ago. He is very smart and has always known we were outcasts on vileman's side of the family.

Her excuse for not calling on the 25th or 26th was "there was a lot going on that day". I guess eight months later she had a free moment.

Needless to say, she didn't get what she wanted. The months of counseling/therapy that my children have gone through cannot be destroyed by a phone call with Grandma 'B' telling them lies about vileman. And that is exactly how it would go . . . Grandma defending her son. She won't be calling back.

I guess I'm a bitch too. But I'm just a lowercase bitch.